Reconnecting: What to Do When You Feel Disconnected from Your Partner ♥️

In the journey of marriage, there are moments when we might find ourselves feeling disconnected from our partner. It's a common experience, but it can be disheartening and even worrying. However, it's important to remember that feeling disconnected doesn't mean the end of love or intimacy. Rather, it's an opportunity for growth and reconnection. In this blog post, we'll explore some practical steps you can take to bridge the gap and strengthen the bond with your partner.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step towards reconnecting with your spouse is acknowledging your feelings of disconnection. It's okay to feel this way, and it's essential to recognize and validate your emotions. Take some time to reflect on what might be causing the disconnect and how it's impacting you and your relationship.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is key to rebuilding connection in any relationship. Sit down with your partner and have an open, honest conversation about how you've been feeling. Share your thoughts, concerns, and desires without blame or judgment. Remember to listen actively to your partner's perspective as well. This mutual exchange can foster understanding and empathy between you both.

Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life can get busy, and sometimes we neglect to spend quality time with our spouse. Make a conscious effort to prioritize one-on-one time together regularly. It doesn't have to be extravagant – even simple activities like cooking together, going for a walk, or enjoying a movie night can help strengthen your bond.

Revisit Shared Goals and Dreams

Reflecting on your shared goals and dreams can reignite the sense of unity and purpose in your relationship. Take some time to revisit your aspirations as a couple and discuss how you can work together to achieve them. This collaborative effort can help you feel more connected and aligned with each other's visions for the future.

Practice Gratitude and Appreciation

Expressing gratitude and appreciation towards your partner can foster feelings of connection and warmth. Make it a habit to acknowledge and thank your partner for the little things they do. Show appreciation for their efforts, qualities, and presence in your life. Small gestures of kindness and affirmation can go a long way in strengthening your emotional connection.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If you're struggling to reconnect with your partner despite your efforts, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Marriage counseling or therapy can provide a supportive environment for addressing underlying issues, improving communication skills, and rebuilding intimacy. A trained therapist can offer guidance and tools tailored to your specific needs and concerns.

Conclusion

Feeling disconnected from your partner is a common challenge in marriage, but it doesn't have to define the future of your relationship. By acknowledging your feelings, communicating openly, prioritizing quality time, revisiting shared goals, practicing gratitude, and seeking professional help if needed, you can take proactive steps toward rekindling the connection with your partner. Remember, relationships require effort and commitment, but the rewards of a strong and thriving bond are immeasurable.

As always, if I can be helpful in any way- please reach out! If I’m not a perfect fit, I’m happy to help find a referral for you. All of my contact information can be found, here. ♥️

Nurturing Self-Compassion for Parents: Embracing Imperfection with Love

Parenting—a journey filled with boundless love, immeasurable joy, and, yes, its fair share of challenges. In the whirlwind of caring for our little ones, it's all too easy to lose sight of our own needs and succumb to the weight of self-criticism and guilt. Yet, amidst the chaos and demands of parenthood, lies a powerful tool for emotional resilience and well-being: self-compassion. In this blog, we'll explore the importance of self-compassion for parents, and how embracing this practice can transform the way we navigate the highs and lows of raising children.

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

Before diving into the depths of self-compassion, it's crucial to dispel the myth of perfect parenting. In today's hyperconnected world, we're bombarded with images of flawless families and seemingly effortless parenting. Yet, the reality is far messier and more complex. Every parent—no matter how put-together they may appear—faces moments of doubt, frustration, and overwhelm. It's okay to stumble and make mistakes along the way; perfection is an illusion that only fuels self-judgment and shame.

The Gift of Self-Compassion

So, what exactly is self-compassion, and how does it relate to parenting? At its core, self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in moments of struggle or failure. It's about extending the same compassion to ourselves that we would offer to a dear friend in need. As parents, self-compassion provides a lifeline—a gentle reminder that we're doing the best we can with the resources and knowledge available to us. It's a permission slip to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace our imperfections with love and grace.

The Parenting Journey: A Rollercoaster of Emotions

From sleepless nights to toddler tantrums, the parenting journey is rife with challenges that can test even the most resilient souls. In these moments of stress and exhaustion, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and doubt. We berate ourselves for losing our patience, not having all the answers, and feeling overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility. But what if, instead of chastising ourselves for our perceived shortcomings, we offered ourselves a dose of self-compassion?

Cultivating Self-Compassion in Parenting

1. Practice Mindful Awareness: The first step in cultivating self-compassion is to become aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgment. Mindfulness allows us to observe our experiences with curiosity and kindness, rather than getting swept away by self-critical thoughts.

2. Offer Yourself Kindness: When faced with parenting struggles, pause and offer yourself words of kindness and encouragement. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel overwhelmed, that you're not alone in your challenges, and that you're doing the best you can in this moment.

3. Embrace Imperfection: Parenting is messy and unpredictable, and that's perfectly okay. Embrace the imperfections of parenthood—the missed bedtime routines, the burnt dinners, the occasional meltdowns—and recognize that these moments do not define your worth as a parent.

4. Seek Support and Connection: Remember that you're not in this alone. Reach out to fellow parents, friends, or support groups who can offer empathy, understanding, and a listening ear. Sharing your struggles and experiences can help alleviate feelings of isolation and foster a sense of connection and belonging.

The Ripple Effect of Self-Compassion

As we cultivate self-compassion in our parenting journey, we not only nurture our well-being but also create a ripple effect that extends to our children. By modeling self-compassion, we teach our children the invaluable lesson of self-love and acceptance. We show them that it's okay to make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to treat themselves with kindness and compassion. In doing so, we lay the foundation for resilient, empathetic, and emotionally healthy individuals who can navigate life's ups and downs with grace and resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing Self-Compassion on the Parenting Path

Parenting is a messy, beautiful, and endlessly rewarding journey—one that is paved with both triumphs and tribulations. During the chaos and uncertainty, self-compassion offers a guiding light—a beacon of love and acceptance that illuminates our path. So, let us embrace self-compassion as a cherished companion on our parenting journey, knowing that in our imperfection lies our humanity, and in our self-compassion lies the key to unlocking boundless love and joy for ourselves and our children.

“Parenting: the ultimate act of love, sacrifice, and growth.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

Finding Solace in Overwhelm: What Moms Can Do When They're at Capacity

Motherhood is a journey filled with boundless love, joy, and fulfillment, but it's also accompanied by its fair share of challenges and moments of being completely overwhelmed. As moms, we often find ourselves juggling numerous responsibilities, from managing households to nurturing relationships and pursuing personal endeavors. However, there are times when the weight of these obligations becomes too much to bear, leaving us feeling drained and at capacity.

So, what can moms do when they reach this point of overwhelm? Here are some strategies to help navigate through these challenging moments:

1. Prioritize Self-Care: It's crucial for moms to prioritize their well-being amidst the chaos of daily life. Whether it's taking a few moments to enjoy a cup of tea, going for a walk in nature, or indulging in a favorite hobby, carving out time for self-care is essential for replenishing the mind, body, and spirit.

2. Reach Out for Support: Moms don't have to navigate through tough times alone. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups for a listening ear or practical assistance. Sometimes, just having someone to share your feelings with can provide immense relief and perspective.

3. Practice Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Techniques: Incorporating mindfulness and stress reduction techniques, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga, can help moms manage stress and cultivate a sense of calm amidst the chaos of daily life. These practices can be powerful tools for grounding oneself and gaining clarity during overwhelming moments.

4. Set Boundaries: Learning to say no and setting boundaries is essential for preserving energy and maintaining balance in life. It's okay to decline additional commitments or delegate tasks when feeling stretched thin. Prioritize activities that align with your values and bring you joy, and don't hesitate to politely decline anything that doesn't serve your well-being.

5. Embrace Imperfection: Let go of the unrealistic expectation of being a perfect mom. Embrace imperfection and recognize that it's okay to have messy moments and make mistakes along the way. Give yourself permission to be human and practice self-compassion during times of struggle.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If feelings of overwhelm persist or become overwhelming, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can provide invaluable support and guidance. Therapy offers a safe space to explore emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain insights into managing stress and overwhelm effectively.

7. Remember, You're Not Alone: Finally, remember that you're not alone in experiencing moments of overwhelm. Countless moms navigate similar challenges and emotions on their journey through motherhood. Reach out to your community, seek support when needed, and remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

In closing, while moments of overwhelm are an inevitable part of motherhood, they don't have to define our experiences. By prioritizing self-care, seeking support, practicing mindfulness, setting boundaries, embracing imperfection, and seeking professional help when needed, moms can navigate through challenging times with resilience and grace. Remember, you are stronger than you think, and you have the power to overcome any obstacle that comes your way.

Red Flags 🚩 in Relationships

When we meet new people, it's natural to be excited about potential friendships, relationships, or collaborations. However, amidst the initial excitement, it's crucial to remain mindful of red flags that may indicate potential issues down the line. These red 🚩flags serve as valuable signals that can help protect our well-being and ensure healthier interactions. Here's why paying attention to red flags when meeting someone new is so important:

1. Protecting Your Boundaries: Red 🚩flags often signal behaviors or attitudes that may encroach upon your boundaries. Whether it's someone who consistently disrespects your time, makes inappropriate remarks, or disregards your feelings, noticing these warning signs allows you to assert your boundaries early on and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

2. Preserving Emotional Well-being: Ignoring red 🚩 flags can lead to emotional strain and distress in the long run. Patterns of manipulation, deceit, or toxicity can gradually erode your self-esteem and peace of mind. By acknowledging red flags early, you allow yourself to distance yourself from potentially harmful relationships and prioritize your emotional well-being.

3. Avoiding Future Conflicts: Red 🚩flags often hint at underlying issues that may escalate into conflicts or challenges later on. Whether it's communication barriers, differing values, or incompatible lifestyles, recognizing these warning signs allows you to address concerns proactively or make informed decisions about the level of involvement you wish to have with the individual.

4. Promoting Authentic Connections: Authentic connections are built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Red 🚩 flags may indicate insincerity, dishonesty, or lack of integrity in a person's character. By heeding these signals, you can focus your energy on cultivating genuine connections with individuals who align with your values and bring positivity into your life.

5. Empowering Yourself: Paying attention to red 🚩flags is an empowering act of self-care and self-awareness. It demonstrates your commitment to honoring your intuition and prioritizing your overall well-being. Trusting your instincts and setting healthy boundaries empower you to navigate relationships from a position of strength and self-respect.

“While it’s natural to feel optimistic when meeting new people, it’s equally important to remain vigilant for red 🚩flags that may indicate potential challenges or concerns. By recognizing these warning signs early on, you empower yourself to make informed decisions, protect your boundaries, and foster genuine connections with individuals who enhance your life in meaningful ways. Remember, paying attention to red 🚩 flags isn’t about being overly suspicious, but rather about safeguarding your happiness and well-being in every interaction.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

Empowering Relationships: Essential Tools for Establishing Boundaries

Family dynamics can be a beautiful source of love, support, and connection. Yet, navigating these relationships often requires a delicate balance between closeness and maintaining personal boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for fostering respect, understanding, and maintaining your emotional well-being within these familial connections. Fortunately, there are several invaluable tools and strategies that can aid in this pursuit.

Understanding Boundaries

Before diving into the tools, it's crucial to grasp what boundaries entail. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define the limits of our emotional, physical, and mental space. They're the guidelines that delineate where we end and others begin. In the context of family, setting boundaries is about communicating your needs, preferences, and limitations while respecting those of others. Below, I’ll outline 8 effective tools for setting boundaries.

1. Clear Communication

Communication forms the bedrock of healthy relationships. Expressing your boundaries openly, honestly, and assertively is vital. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. For instance, "I feel overwhelmed when..." or "I need some space to..."

2. Consistency

Consistency reinforces boundaries. Stick to your established boundaries to help others understand what to expect. This consistency helps in setting clear expectations and maintaining the established limits.

3. Self-awareness

Understanding your own limits and triggers is fundamental. Recognizing what makes you uncomfortable or stressed enables you to communicate those boundaries effectively.

4. Respectful Assertiveness

Being assertive, not aggressive, is key. It's about standing your ground without infringing on others' rights. Firmly asserting your needs while respecting theirs creates a balanced dialogue.

5. Setting Consequences

Consequences can reinforce boundaries. Be clear about the consequences if boundaries are repeatedly crossed. This isn't about punishment but about protecting your well-being.

6. Self-Care Practices

Prioritize self-care. This includes activities that recharge you emotionally, physically, and mentally. When you're well-nurtured, you're better equipped to enforce boundaries.

7. Seeking Support

Sometimes, discussing boundaries with family can be challenging. Seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these conversations effectively.

8. Flexible Boundaries

Understand that boundaries may evolve. Flexibility allows for adjustments as relationships and circumstances change.

Challenges and Benefits of Boundary Setting within Families

Challenges may arise when implementing boundaries within family dynamics. Resistance, guilt, or misunderstandings might occur initially. However, the benefits far outweigh the challenges. Establishing healthy boundaries fosters:

• Respectful Relationships: Clear boundaries cultivate respect and understanding among family members.

• Emotional Well-being: Protecting your emotional space contributes to a healthier state of mind.

• Improved Communication: Open discussions about boundaries enhance communication skills within the family.

• Individual Growth: Acknowledging and honoring personal limits fosters personal growth and self-awareness.

IN CLOSING

Setting boundaries with family members is an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort from all involved. While it may pose challenges, the benefits of establishing and respecting boundaries within familial relationships are immeasurable. Utilizing these tools can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections that respect individual needs and nurture family bonds.

Nurturing the Mental Load: A Compassionate Guide for Moms

Motherhood is a journey filled with love, joy, and countless rewarding moments. However, amid the laughter and hugs, there exists an invisible weight that many mothers carry—the mental load. This silent burden encompasses the endless list of tasks, worries, and responsibilities that often go unnoticed but heavily impact a mother's mental well-being.

The mental load encompasses everything from planning meals and organizing schedules to remembering doctor appointments and managing household chores. It's the constant mental juggling act that can leave even the most capable moms feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. As a result, it's crucial for mothers to acknowledge this load and practice self-compassion as they navigate the complexities of their roles.

Understanding the Mental Load

The mental load isn’t just about physically completing tasks; it's the emotional labor that accompanies them. It involves the mental gymnastics of remembering and managing various aspects of family life, often without explicit acknowledgment or appreciation. This silent weight can be emotionally draining and contribute to feelings of inadequacy or burnout.

Embracing Self-Compassion

To lighten this burden, it's essential for moms to embrace self-compassion. Here are a few steps to help mothers be more compassionate with themselves:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings

Recognize that it's okay to feel overwhelmed by the mental load. Validate your emotions without judgment. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward self-compassion.

2. Practice Self-Care

Prioritize self-care to recharge and replenish your mental and physical energy. Whether it's taking a bubble bath, reading a book, or simply having a quiet moment to yourself, these small acts of self-care can make a significant difference.

3. Set Realistic Expectations

Avoid the trap of perfectionism. Set realistic expectations for yourself. Understand that you can't do everything, and it's okay to ask for help or delegate tasks.

4. Foster Support Networks

Connect with other mothers who understand the mental load. Share experiences, seek advice, and offer support to create a network where you can lean on each other during challenging times.

5. Prioritize Mental Health

Seek professional help if the weight of the mental load becomes too heavy to bear alone. Therapists or counselors can provide valuable guidance and support.

Being Compassionate to Yourself

Being compassionate with oneself is not a luxury but a necessity, especially for mothers carrying the weight of the mental load. It's about acknowledging the efforts and resilience it takes to manage multiple responsibilities while nurturing a family. By recognizing and honoring the invisible labor you perform daily, you empower yourself to lighten the load and cultivate a healthier, more balanced life.

Remember, being a mom doesn't require perfection—it requires love, care, and the courage to be kind to oneself. Embracing self-compassion is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your strength and resilience as a mother.

Conclusion

The mental load of motherhood is a multifaceted challenge that often goes unnoticed. However, by acknowledging its existence and practicing self-compassion, moms can navigate this journey with greater resilience and ease. Embrace self-care, seek support, and prioritize your mental health. Remember, you are doing an incredible job, and being compassionate with yourself is a vital step toward a healthier, happier motherhood journey.

Monitoring Your Teen

Whether or not apps such as Live 360 violates a child's trust depends on how it is used and the specific circumstances surrounding its use. Here are some considerations:

1. Parental Consent: If parents use Live 360 to monitor their child's activities, it is essential to have open communication and obtain their child's consent whenever possible, especially if the child is old enough to understand the concept. Transparency and consent can help maintain trust.

2. Privacy Boundaries: Parents must respect their child's privacy and set clear boundaries. Invading a child's privacy without justification can erode trust and lead to feelings of mistrust and resentment.

3. Safety Concerns: In some cases, Live 360 might be used to ensure a child's safety, such as monitoring their location or checking in on them in unfamiliar situations. In such cases, explaining the safety reasons for using the technology can help maintain trust.

4. Age and Independence: As children grow older and become more independent, their need for privacy and trust becomes more critical. Parents should adapt their use of Live 360 accordingly, allowing older children more autonomy and privacy.

5. Open Communication: Open and honest communication between parents and children is key to maintaining trust. Parents should explain why they are using Live 360, and how it works, and address any concerns or questions their child may have.

6. Monitoring vs. Surveillance: There is a distinction between monitoring and surveillance. Monitoring involves respectful and agreed-upon supervision, while surveillance may involve secretive or invasive practices. Trust can be compromised if Live 360 is used as a surveillance tool without consent.

In summary, Live 360 may not inherently violate a child's trust, but how it is used and the context in which it is applied can significantly impact trust dynamics within a family. It is crucial for parents to strike a balance between safety and privacy, maintain open communication, and respect their children's autonomy as they grow and develop. Trust is built on mutual understanding, respect, and transparency, and parents should ensure that their use of Live 360 aligns with these principles.

Men & Mental Health

Men, like anyone else, may benefit from therapy for a variety of reasons. It's essential to recognize that therapy is not gender-specific; it can be helpful for individuals of all genders. Here are some reasons why men, in particular, might seek therapy:

1. Mental Health Concerns: Men can experience mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress, just like women. Therapy provides a safe space to explore and address these concerns, helping individuals learn coping strategies and gain emotional resilience.

2. Relationship Issues: Men may face challenges in their relationships with partners, family members, or friends. Therapy can help them navigate communication difficulties, conflicts, and improve relationship dynamics.

3. Work and Career Stress: The pressures of work, career decisions, or job loss can impact men's mental health. Therapy can help men manage workplace stress, develop career goals, and make decisions about their professional lives.

4. Trauma and PTSD: Men can experience trauma from various sources, such as combat, accidents, or childhood abuse. Therapy, including trauma-focused therapies, can help men process these experiences and work towards healing.

5. Substance Abuse and Addiction: Substance abuse issues are not gender-specific. Men who struggle with substance abuse can benefit from therapy to address the underlying causes and develop strategies for recovery.

6. Identity and Self-Exploration: Men, like women, may grapple with questions about their identity, purpose, and life goals. Therapy can be a valuable tool for self-exploration and personal growth.

7. Grief and Loss: Coping with the loss of a loved one can be emotionally challenging for anyone. Therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate the grieving process.

8. Anger Management: Men, in some cases, may struggle with anger management. Therapy can help individuals understand the underlying causes of their anger and develop healthier ways to express and manage it.

9. Parenting and Family Issues: Men who are fathers or caregivers may seek therapy to improve their parenting skills, address family conflicts, or navigate co-parenting after a separation or divorce.

10. Sexual and Intimacy Concerns: Men may face issues related to sexual function, intimacy, or relationship satisfaction. Therapy can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to address these concerns.

11. Self-Esteem and Confidence: Some men may struggle with self-esteem and confidence issues, which can impact their overall well-being. Therapy can help individuals build self-confidence and develop a positive self-image.

12. Stress Management: Therapy can teach men effective stress management techniques, which are crucial for overall mental and physical health.

It's important to remember that seeking therapy is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness. Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights to help men address these and many other concerns, leading to improved mental health and overall well-being. Choosing to seek help is a personal decision, and it can be an important step toward personal growth and healing.

The Dark Side of Wellness Culture: Unraveling Its Impact on Mental Health

Wellness culture has seen a surge in popularity in recent years, promoting various self-care practices, fitness routines, and dietary trends. While the intention behind wellness culture is to enhance overall well-being, it's crucial to acknowledge the potentially harmful effects it can have on mental health. In this blog, I explore the darker aspects of wellness culture and how it can negatively impact our mental well-being.

• The Pressure to Optimize Every Aspect of Life

Wellness culture often propagates the notion that we must optimize every aspect of our lives, including diet, exercise, productivity, and self-care routines. This relentless pursuit of perfection can create immense pressure, leading to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. The constant comparison to curated images of 'ideal' lifestyles on social media can further exacerbate these feelings.

• Reinforcement of Unrealistic Body Standards

In the quest for a 'perfect' body, wellness culture can perpetuate unrealistic body standards. Messages of 'clean eating' and 'fit' bodies may inadvertently contribute to body dissatisfaction and low self-esteem. This can lead to disordered eating patterns, body dysmorphia, and a negative impact on mental health.

• Promotion of Pseudo-Scientific Claims

Wellness culture often promotes a wide range of health and wellness products and practices, some of which lack scientific evidence. While some practices may offer genuine benefits, others may make exaggerated claims that can mislead individuals seeking genuine solutions for their mental health concerns. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness.

• Toxic Positivity and Disregard for Authentic Emotions

The pressure to maintain a positive outlook at all times is another harmful aspect of wellness culture. Toxic positivity, which dismisses or trivializes genuine negative emotions, can be detrimental to mental health. It discourages individuals from acknowledging and processing their emotions, leading to emotional repression and increased stress.

• Financial Strain and Consumerism

The commodification of wellness can lead to a culture of consumerism, where people feel compelled to invest heavily in various wellness products, treatments, and experiences. The financial strain of continuously seeking and purchasing these products can cause stress and anxiety, particularly when the promised benefits fail to materialize.

• Creation of an Identity Tied to Wellness

For some individuals, wellness culture can become all-encompassing, leading them to define their entire identity around their pursuit of health and self-improvement. This can lead to an unbalanced lifestyle and a constant sense of inadequacy if they feel they are not meeting the ever-changing standards set by the wellness community.

While wellness culture can offer valuable tools for self-care and improved health, it's essential to approach it with a critical lens. Acknowledging the potentially harmful effects on mental health is vital to ensure a more balanced and mindful approach to well-being. As individuals, we should strive to embrace self-compassion, prioritize our mental health, and be cautious of falling into the traps of unrealistic expectations and toxic positivity. By promoting a more holistic understanding of wellness, we can create a healthier and more sustainable culture that uplifts and supports everyone's mental well-being.

Relationship Uplift 101

Let’s face it: Relationships require work. Sometimes, really hard work. All too often, the longer you and your partner have been together, the more work your relationship requires. That seems kind of counter-intuitive, right? After all, the longer you’ve been with someone, the better you should know them. And the better you know someone, the less conflict you should have, right? If only it were that easy! As relationships go on, other stressors and factors enter the picture that may not have been there when the relationship was just starting to blossom. Busy careers, bills, kids, kids’ activities...all of these can cause couples to drift apart. Sound familiar? If it does, don’t worry! There are ways you and your partner can reconnect, bicker less, and grow stronger in your relationship.

BICKERING

Every couple bickers from time to time. Occasionally, that bickering morphs into full-fledged arguments, complete with yelling and exasperated sighs, and migraines. Bickering can actually be really healthy for relationships, as long as it is done respectfully. “Huh?” I’m sure you’re saying. Stay with me! 

Bickering and arguing can be healthy when you’re not just waiting for your turn to speak but when you just shut up and listen to what your partner is saying. Often, the causes of arguments are small things that have built up over a period of time, but which have never been expressly communicated. So, the next time your spouse gets on your case about not cleaning the toilet, listen to what they’re saying. They may not be mad about the toilet; perhaps you’re not taking initiative on cleaning in general.

In the heat of the moment, people can say things they don’t mean or that they instantly regret. Avoid this if possible! The best way to do this is to hit pause. When you recognize that the argument is not yielding anything productive, put it on hold. Whether you both need to walk away and get some fresh air, or (contrary to popular belief) go to bed angry, just give each other some space. These moments of reflection help calm emotions and allow our more rational sides to come back to us. When sufficient time has passed, talk about your argument calmly with one another. Chances are you’ll both find a little humor in what you were arguing about, too.

Sometimes, couples that argue are in healthier relationships than those who don’t bicker at all, because those who aren’t bickering about anything have (sometimes) given up on the relationship without knowing it. When people aren’t bickering and aren’t blissfully in love with their partner, they’re like ships passing in the night. They know the other is there, but they’re not seeing them.

When this happens, what can you do? Sometimes, the easiest thing to do is just talk. Let your partner know what you are feeling, and see if they feel the same way, too. Go into this conversation with an open mind and open heart, and really listen to what your partner has to say. This type of dialogue is essential to growing together as a couple. If you are uncomfortable having this type of conversation or you feel like it has gone beyond the point where simply talking one-on-one with your spouse will work, seek professional guidance from a therapist or marriage counselor.

RECONNECT

Relationships are breeding grounds for stress. There is constant pressure from your career; you want to make sure you’re providing the best life you can for your kids; and the result of this is that your relationship with your partner can unintentionally take a backseat. When this happens, it is easier to justify disagreements or, worse, accept and live in a situation that seems stagnant and doomed.

One way some couples can reconnect and reignite the spark is to either get away or spend some quality adult time together. Whether this is a relaxing vacation with just the two of you or sending the kids to the grandparents’ or summer camp for a bit, these moments together can work wonders on a relationship.

Vacations are a great way to hit “reset” and forget about the worries of the real world (just make sure you’re not checking your work email incessantly!). Sitting on a beach with a fruity drink and a trashy novel (followed by some passionate lovemaking in the room) can be just what the doctor ordered. Vacations also get us out of our normal routines and inspire spontaneity that is absent in our day-to-day.

For couples who have the means to do so, sending your kids to summer camp can be an incredible way to fall in love with your partner all over again. This is a great option, because camp offers kids a wonderful opportunity to make new friends and grow into themselves, so you don’t have the same type of guilt that may accompany a parents-only vacation! On top of that, you and your partner can still do your normal career things, but you can enjoy extended happy hours or more frequent date nights without having to worry about getting back in time for the babysitter.

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, there is always a way to grow and mature in your love for one another. Sometimes, the monotony of everyday life can grate on us, and our relationships are the first to suffer. Be proactive when you can. But if you find yourself bickering or looking across the dinner table wondering, “Who is this person I’m living with?”, give each other a chance. Talk, communicate, hold one another tightly, and ask for help if you need it! 

Cultivating Intimacy

Sex is a major component of intimate relationships, whether you’re married or in a committed partnership… intimacy problems among couples happen more than you think.

If you and your partner are experiencing intimacy issues, you’re not alone. In fact, “positive intimate functioning contributes approximately 15-20% to a marriage, while problematic intimacy holds much more weight, approximately 50-75%.(1)” Simply put, this means that couples who reported positive intimate relationships with their partner say their sexual relationship only contributed 15-20% of their overall happiness, whereas couples who reported problematic intimate relationships say their sexual relationships contribute 50-75% of their overall unhappiness. That’s a big difference.

I recently worked with a couple that reported having intimacy problems. The wife felt that her sexual needs weren’t being met, while the husband said he was often too tired at the end of the day to engage in sex. After discussing the situation with the couple, I was able to provide them a few suggestions that could improve their intimacy, which I will share with you.

PUTTING “ME” BEFORE “WE”

Intimacy — and sex — is a two-way street. While it may seem obvious, if partners are out of sync with one another, it can lead to intimacy issues. If your partner is frustrated by the lack of intimacy in your relationship, is it because they’re wanting “too much” intimacy as far as you’re concerned or are you desiring less intimacy? It could also be something in the middle, too. Regardless, when each individual reflects on their role in an intimate relationship, that can serve as the springboard for a larger conversation about what “we” want or view as a healthy intimate relationship as a couple.

TALK IS IMPORTANT

Intimacy is different for every person, and by extension, every couple. When a couple comes to me with intimacy issues, one of the first questions I ask is “Have you talked about it?” I find that couples frequently say “Yes,” but when we explore those conversations further, it turns out that they’re often talking “at” one another rather than engaging in a constructive dialog.

Talking about intimacy and sex can be difficult for couples. “Sex” is loaded with other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and love, to name a few. So talking about this topic-head on isn’t always easy.

But nonetheless, it is important. When couples actually talk about their intimacy, sexual needs and desires, they often learn something new about their partner. I’ve seen instances where one partner feels deep satisfaction after a snuggling session, while the other spouse felt frustration at the end of the same snuggling session because it was lacking a sexual component.

There are plenty of self-help books and resources out there. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing the subject up to your partner, you could always bookmark articles that speak to you. After your partner reads them, you could then discuss it in context of the resource first and then your relationship.

Only when you and your partner can talk openly and free of judgement can you begin to discover the right balance of intimacy in your relationship.

KEEP IT PHYSICAL

Even when I see couples struggling with intimacy issues, I encourage them to not stop being physically intimate with one another. This doesn’t always mean sex, either. It could be as simple as holding hands or kissing, or giving one another massages.

This type of contact and expression is vital in order for you to keep your physical and emotional bonds. As people grow and evolve, so too does their relationship with intimacy. Sex drives change over time, as do preferences for physical contact.

It’s crucial to be honest with each other as your tastes and preferences change. Neglecting these types of conversations can lead to tension, frustration, and further relationship issues if they’re ignored.

Striking the right balance in any relationship is a constantly moving target. But like many things that are worth doing, it takes practice. It also takes a willingness to make the situation better, and by talking about it and remaining physically intimate with one another, intimacy issues can get better and improve the overall relationship with your loved one.

Sources

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/

Life Hack: REST

We often don’t realize how important sleep and rest are to our overall wellness until we aren’t getting enough of it. One in three adults in the US isn’t getting the rest they need which builds up more anxiety among those who fail to get enough sleep. The effects on our body of sleep deprivation can increase the severity of conditions like diabetes, hypertension, and obesity. New research has found that our pain threshold falls about 15 percent after just one night of insufficient rest. Sleep is an essential and healthy way for us all to “reset” our minds and bodies each night.

The Sleepy Signs

Do you find yourself yawning throughout the day? Have you noticed an increase in your moodiness, fatigue, irritability and/or depression? When we are sleep deprived we find it challenging to concentrate and often have a lack of motivation. Studies also show that an increase in our carb cravings and a decrease in our sex drive are signs that we aren’t getting the sleep we need.

Research suggests it should normally take about 10 to 20 minutes for us to drift off. Though if we find we’re thinking it's taking too long than it is, (and haven't we all been caught in that "I can't get to sleep... I have to get to sleep) loop?!  Essentially, the anxiety brought on by not sleeping is built by the anxiety of trying to get to sleep. This just builds and builds. It’s an unwanted, unproductive cycle.

Find a Routine

Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, developing a sleep routine schedule will enable you to get the zzz’s you need. Here’s a suggestion: Begin by making your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. No screens, gentle lighting and a comfortable atmosphere are all ideas I suggest to my clients. Going to bed at the same time each night will also help ease you into dreamland. 

You can find more ideas to assist your nighttime rituals in this article by Holly Pevzner in Psychology Today. This routine doesn’t have to be an every night occurrence, as an all or nothing approach can also build anxiety and we don’t want that! In my experience, developing a healthy rest habit will have a positive effect on almost every area of your life.

Mindfulness

The bedtime routine you build can also be helped by starting a meditation/mindfulness practice. In this article by Ed Halliwell, his words ring very true. “In mindfulness practice, we train in letting go of our stories about stress and pain, learn that thoughts are not facts, and watch sensations change from moment to moment.”  Essentially, that letting go can enable us to slip more readily into slumber. Rather than fighting the anxiety, thus building more on top of more anxious thoughts, we can reduce the stress and increase the much needed hours of sleep.

The positive domino effects of taking the time to settle our minds, ease the tense and stiff physical impact our day may have had on us, are countless. Mindfulness and getting enough sleep work in tandem to guide us into our more alert, well-rested and ready for whatever our day may bring us, selves!

As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here. 

ADAPTING TO CHANGE

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
”

— Jelaluddin Rumi

In a world that is constantly evolving and changing, our ability to adapt can increase our chances of being successful in our careers, relationships, health and more.

In life, we will always experience unpleasant and uncomfortable things. Some of these things are within our control, while often times, others are not. Adaptability ensures that we stay afloat with things are to bring us down - allowing us to bounce back from inevitable failures.

And the more adaptability we show, the more confident we become. Instead of running away from challenges, discomfort, and change. We learn how to embrace them, befriend them, and use them for personal growth. Essentially, we build resiliency and grit. 

If we have a dream, a goal, a vision- We’re going to have to be relentless in our pursuits. We’re going to have to push through pain, fight with adversity, and challenge ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Becoming adaptable is essential in our pursuits.

Everyone has their owns struggles, weaknesses, and demons to fight. Those that come out on top practice being adaptable. 

BUT SOMETIMES WE SUCK AT ADAPTABILITY

Well, because it’s sort of hard isn’t it?

Adaptation often requires you to stop following the status quo, to get out of our comfort zones, and to break routines.

That comfort zone we’ve created, helps us to decrease stress, reduce anxiety, and keeps us from taking risks. In reality, it’s really not all bad. We need our comfort zone every once in a while. That Netflix series and chicken soup for the soul kind of night if you will. ☻

If you’re ok with living in your comfort zone for the rest of your life there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s safe and secure and it makes perfect sense that you would want to stay comfortable.

However, if you’re looking to continually grow, challenge yourself, and embrace some of the uncomfortable then I leave you with this:

It’s up to us to embrace the uncertainty that comes with stepping out of our comfort zones and adapting to the changes that are necessary to excel. To act without expectation is a driving force for becoming more adaptable in our lives. There is seldom a perfect outcome to any situation but we can create better experiences for ourselves by using the power of adaptability.

We’re constantly evolving. Let’s not fight that but instead; lean into the changes, experiences, and lessons that we’re learning daily.

Going Separate Ways

A separation or divorce is a highly stressful and emotional experience for everyone involved, but children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down. Kids may feel shocked, uncertain, or angry. Some may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home. Divorce is never a seamless process and, inevitably, such a transitional time doesn’t happen without some measure of grief and hardship. But you can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances. By providing routines your kids can rely on, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes with watching parents in conflict. With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong—and even with a closer bond to both parents.

How to talk to kids about divorce

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing what you’re going to say before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

What to say and how to say it

Difficult as it may be, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.

Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping them with homework.

Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid blaming

It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.

Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.

Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

How much information should I give my child about the divorce?

Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

• Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.

• Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.

• Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.

Was this information helpful? I would love to hear from you! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my contact information can be found here.

Learning to Pause

“With so much emotional reactivity in the world today, it’s vital to our health that we learn how to consciously pause before responding. ”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

I recently created a post on my Instagram Page about the benefits of pausing. This can be in response to a text, a voicemail, or even an in-person conversation.

When my clients get stuck in dealing with difficult emotions, I introduce them to the mindful pause technique. I also regularly use the mindful pause technique before speaking with colleagues + clients. When we can consciously put ourselves into the habit of pausing - breathing space between the situation and our immediate reaction to it- the outcome is more desirable. It’s a true skill to learn how to pause, understand + then act.

“How can you practice pausing today?”

Are we connected on social media? I share stories + post content for clients & clinicians all related to improving mental health. ▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾▾ Come find me! ▾

The Importance of Boundaries

“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!

Set Boundaries

It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.

For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.

Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.

Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.

Make Healthy Choices

Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.

Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.

Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life.  Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.

Don’t Try to Change Everything at Once

Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.

If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!

So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out. 

When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.

I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?