The Real Reason Couples Argue {and it’s not what you think}
When couples come to therapy, they often say things like,
“We’re constantly arguing about money,”
“We never agree on how to parent,” or
“I feel like I’m doing everything around the house.”
But underneath all these concerns, there’s usually something deeper at play. The number one reason couples argue isn’t really about money, chores, parenting, or sex—it’s about how they talk (or don’t talk) about those things.
At the root of almost every argument is a breakdown in communication. And more specifically, it’s a breakdown in feeling heard, seen, or understood.
You’re Not Really Fighting About the Dishes
Let’s take a common example. One partner snaps, “You never help clean up.” The other gets defensive: “That’s not true—I did the dishes yesterday!” Suddenly, a full-blown argument erupts about who did what and when.
But if we slow down, what’s really being said?
Often, it’s something like:
“I feel overwhelmed and alone.”
“I want to know we’re in this together.”
“I’m tired, and I need support.”
When communication focuses only on the surface complaint, both people miss the deeper emotional message. That’s when things escalate—and that’s when couples find themselves having the same fight over and over.
Listen to Understand, Not to Win
One of the biggest shifts I help couples make in therapy is learning to listen to understand instead of listening to respond.
When we’re triggered or defensive, we tend to listen for what we can argue with—or to prove our point. But real connection happens when we pause and ask:
“What is my partner really trying to say?”
“What are they feeling underneath this?”
“How can I be present instead of reactive?”
It’s not always easy. Especially when we’re hurt or tired. But when each partner begins to feel safe, heard, and validated, the tone of the relationship shifts—often dramatically.
Communicating with Care
Here are a few practices that can help couples stay connected, even during conflict:
Use “I” Statements: Speak from your own experience rather than blaming.
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard.”Validate First: Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge the feeling.
“That makes sense you’d feel that way.” goes a long way.Take Breaks When Needed: If things get heated, it’s okay to pause. Step away and come back when you’re calm.
Be Curious, Not Critical: Ask open-ended questions.
“Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you and your partner are feeling stuck in cycles of miscommunication, therapy can help you slow down, tune in, and find new ways to connect.
As a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 years of experience, I work with couples all across California via secure telehealth sessions. Whether you’re navigating long-term patterns or just feeling off track, therapy is a space to rebuild connection—with compassion and clarity.
If you’d like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit, reach out to me here. I’d love to connect. ♡♡♡