I am dedicated to getting you back to living your best life. These articles provide insight into my therapy practice with couples and individuals.
Practicing kindness is one of the most direct routes to happiness: Research suggests that kind people tend to be more satisfied with their relationships and with their lives in general. We all have a natural capacity for kindness, but sometimes we don’t take steps to nurture and express this capacity as much as we could.
One of the best things you can do to help your loved one is to simply offer up your presence. Lending a non-judgmental ear and being a shoulder to cry can be comforting to someone who may be feeling alone, worried, or depressed. Let that person know you are there for them + available to listen. Show empathy + avoid trying to solve the problem or offering unsolicited advice.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
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In a world that is constantly evolving and changing, our ability to adapt can increase our chances of being successful in our careers, relationships, health and more.
In life, we will always experience unpleasant and uncomfortable things. Some of these things are within our control, while often times, others are not. Adaptability ensures that we stay afloat with things are to bring us down - allowing us to bounce back from inevitable failures.
And the more adaptability we show, the more confident we become. Instead of running away from challenges, discomfort, and change. We learn how to embrace them, befriend them, and use them for personal growth. Essentially, we build resiliency and grit.
If we have a dream, a goal, a vision- We’re going to have to be relentless in our pursuits. We’re going to have to push through pain, fight with adversity, and challenge ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Becoming adaptable is essential in our pursuits.
Everyone has their owns struggles, weaknesses, and demons to fight. Those that come out on top practice being adaptable.
Well, because it’s sort of hard isn’t it?
Adaptation often requires you to stop following the status quo, to get out of our comfort zones, and to break routines.
That comfort zone we’ve created, helps us to decrease stress, reduce anxiety, and keeps us from taking risks. In reality, it’s really not all bad. We need our comfort zone every once in a while. That Netflix series and chicken soup for the soul kind of night if you will. ☻
If you’re ok with living in your comfort zone for the rest of your life there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s safe and secure and it makes perfect sense that you would want to stay comfortable.
However, if you’re looking to continually grow, challenge yourself, and embrace some of the uncomfortable then I leave you with this:
It’s up to us to embrace the uncertainty that comes with stepping out of our comfort zones and adapting to the changes that are necessary to excel. To act without expectation is a driving force for becoming more adaptable in our lives. There is seldom a perfect outcome to any situation but we can create better experiences for ourselves by using the power of adaptability.
We’re constantly evolving. Let’s not fight that but instead; lean into the changes, experiences, and lessons that we’re learning daily.
A separation or divorce is a highly stressful and emotional experience for everyone involved, but children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down. Kids may feel shocked, uncertain, or angry. Some may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home. Divorce is never a seamless process and, inevitably, such a transitional time doesn’t happen without some measure of grief and hardship. But you can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.
Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances. By providing routines your kids can rely on, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes with watching parents in conflict. With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong—and even with a closer bond to both parents.
When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing what you’re going to say before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.
Difficult as it may be, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.
Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.
Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping them with homework.
Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.
It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.
Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.
Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.
Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.
Was this information helpful? I would love to hear from you! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my contact information can be found here.
“With so much emotional reactivity in the world today, it’s vital to our health that we learn how to consciously pause before responding. ”
I recently created a post on my Instagram Page about the benefits of pausing. This can be in response to a text, a voicemail, or even an in-person conversation.
When my clients get stuck in dealing with difficult emotions, I introduce them to the mindful pause technique. I also regularly use the mindful pause technique before speaking with colleagues + clients. When we can consciously put ourselves into the habit of pausing - breathing space between the situation and our immediate reaction to it- the outcome is more desirable. It’s a true skill to learn how to pause, understand + then act.
“How can you practice pausing today?”
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“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”
From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!
It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.
For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.
Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.
Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.
Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.
Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.
Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life. Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.
Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.
If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!
So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.
Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out.
When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.
I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?
“At such times the universe gets a little closer to us. They are strange times, times of beginnings and endings. Dangerous and powerful. And we feel it even if we don't know what it is. These times are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. In fact, what they are depends on what we are.”
~Terry Pratchett
Isolation, social distancing, stay at home orders and quarantines have become our “new normal.” The closing in of our physical world can bring about introspection, meditation and self improvement, in a perfect world of course. In reality however, this new reality- we are stressed, uncertain and anxious. There is no better time than now to become compassionate with ourselves so that we’re better able to support one another.
Looking In.
When we talk about “self-compassion” we are talking about treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend who we look in on if they are having a hard time. Instead of getting angry with them/ourselves when they/we are uncertain or struggling, we take the time to listen to what they/we are feeling.
It can be hard to imagine how this plays out for ourselves, so let’s think about it like this. Typically, one would check in on someone going through a divorce or loss, asking “How are you feeling? What can I do for you? Do you need anything?” Now let’s think of ourselves as that friend. We don’t get angry at them for feeling what they are feeling, and so we should feel the same way about ourselves. The feelings of anger and frustration at the current isolating situation are universal, and we can understand how others are feeling them. That makes it even more ok that we are feeling them, we have found our common humanity.
Self-compassion is a strong tool for building our own empathy and transforming our thoughts into positive affirmations. The transforming effects of this practice, which can give us the strength to strive in an overwhelming time, are delved into in more depth in this informative article from Mindful.org.
Looking Out.
When we are taking space that is needed to recognize this is something others are struggling with, we can reach out for support. One of the most beautiful things we are seeing right now is the use of video conferencing and messaging on Zoom or Facebook Messenger- for family and friends to check in, catch up and assist one another through this challenging time.
Humans are social creatures, and isolation can be damaging to both our mental and physical health. When we are socially isolated our sleep and eating patterns can become disrupted. This can cause a snowball effect where we are more likely to feel depressed. By sharing with others in video chats, messaging and phone calls we can disrupt the disruption! We or others may have found ways of dealing with these issues that we then share with one another. Essentially, we build a support system for one another. It’s an excellent opportunity for a very beautiful thing in an extremely difficult time.
We Eat. We Drink. We Worry.
These disruptions are often manifested in our need to self soothe with food or alcohol in times of stress and overwhelming uncertainty. Many of us are worried that we are "running out" of food or "don’t have enough,” especially when we are told to only go out shopping when we need it. This goes against everything we are used to. Running to the store to grab a gallon of milk or pick up toilet paper is no longer a mindless activity.
Though it goes against that anxiety, we may often find ourselves also mindlessly snacking, mixing cocktails early in the day or overeating to bury that stress and anxiety. We don't have the coping skills in place to manage these feelings so we’re doing the best we can.
The best first step is to ADDRESS what the feeling is that's uncomfortable and work on THAT. (Usually this presents itself as anger, short temper, frustration with ourselves and/or our partner/kids.) Once the feeling is acknowledged and worked through, the urges to numb with food or alcohol will naturally drop off. This takes time and the most important piece is to offer yourself some grace during this process.
Let’s Talk About It.
Communication is at the root of all of this. Allowing ourselves to speak about our fears and anxiety is a step in the right direction. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed! If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found here.
{This article was first published in Elephant Journal on July 11, 2017}
Since the original post, the world has shifted. It's now nearing the end of 2020 - with COVID taking up most of our year- and it's become crystal clear that it's time to take a look at ourselves and take responsibility for what is going on in our world. One child at a time, one family at a time, one community at a time, building toward a future in which we all feel safe and unafraid of one another. We must work together to educate our children and provide them with the necessary tools they will need for a successful future.
When uttered, this phrase is typically used as a warning to parents or their guests: “Whatever you do, don’t mess up—the kids are watching!” One bad word and you’ve got an adorable three-year-old walking around saying something she shouldn’t to your in-laws.
Something that is often forgotten about the “kids are like sponges” sentiment, though, is that they also absorb good things.
As an adult, kids look up to you and watch to see how you react and interact with the world around you. In a time where kids and adults alike seem unable to separate from their screens, practicing mindfulness in your life, and showing your children how to be mindful, can have immeasurable benefits.
I often see kids in my practice who are anxious or who struggle with other cognitive hurdles, like ADHD. I have found that introducing kids to mindfulness exercises and games can help them immensely when they’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control.
Do you already practice mindfulness in your everyday life? If you do, that’s great: You’re one step closer to having a mindful child. Kids look to you for how to behave. So, if you don’t have your own mindfulness routine yet, start one. It can just be a few minutes a day, but getting into this habit will help you as you guide your child on their own path. There are tons of resources available online if you need a little boost to see how to start practicing mindfulness in your daily routine.
People frequently come up to me and say that they’d love to teach their kids to be more mindful, but they have trouble getting them to stay still for 30 seconds. It’s something I’ve heard a million times and my answer is always the same: Make a game out of it! Kids love games, and games are a great way to introduce them to the concept of mindfulness.
Tip: Make sure the game is age-appropriate, and don’t worry about calling it a mindfulness game or not—it’s just a game that incorporates mindfulness. Consider taking a walk around the neighborhood, and devote 30-60 seconds to a “listening game.” What do they hear? Birds? Cars? The wind through the trees? A simple exercise like this can plant the seed in your kids to be more aware of the world around them.
Right before bedtime is a great time to practice mindfulness with your kids. While they’re laying down, and after you’ve read them their story, guide them through an exercise that brings an awareness to their body: “Gently scrunch up your toes. Okay, now un-scrunch them. Feel the muscles in your legs. Feel them get heavier. Picture your belly and take a deep breath in. Now, breathe out.”
There are lots of body-awareness scripts available online, too, to help you get the hang of this one. The quiet of the house and your soothing voice make this a great time of day to pass along mindfulness to your kids.
Remember: mindfulness doesn’t happen overnight, and it is not a “cure” for an unruly or rebellious child. However, mindfulness is a tool that you can equip your child with that can serve her well for years to come. Simply being aware of our surroundings and how we fit into our environment is a step in the right direction.
Doesn’t the title of this blog post say it all? We can be certain of the uncertainty in all of our lives right now. Though it seems as if we will never be back to normal, there are things we can start to consider as our lives and the world begin to slowly open back up.
In my practice, clients have opened up to me about many topics that are troubling them right now. Every day it seems that there is one crisis unfolding after another. The news and social media stories can overwhelm us and cause “emotional whiplash” as we careen from one topic to the next.
The widening societal divide has resulted in lifelong friendships ending due to differences in opinions and ideologies. The loss of these mainstays can result in grief and upheaval. The same can be said of strained family relationships. As we have isolated with or without our family members new challenges have arisen. Spending so much time together can cause stress and open ourselves up to toxic behaviors. Conversely, not being able to spend time with family due to the isolation protocols can cause us guilt and grief as we find ourselves unable to be there physically for one another.
With all of these added stressors and uncertainty, the world is seeing a rise in addictions. As dependencies do, they can manifest in many forms. For example overuse of food, alcohol, exercise and even staying busy to the point of exhaustion. There is also an increase in the use of low dose psychiatric medications like Xanax and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) antidepressants.
We are all finding ourselves having overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and fear in these very untypical times. Up has become down, and sideways, and, well any which ways, hasn’t it?
One of the most spirited outcomes of this stressful and difficult time, is that most of my clients have felt the need to shut down, isolate and become focused on the basics. Their priority lists have morphed into taking care of self/ family/ kids. A deeper sense of what is truly important to us is starting to evolve.
An example of these priorities is known as “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs”. The lowest, and most important level, is our Physiological Needs, like air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, and sleep.
Next is our Safety Needs, such as order, predictability, and control in our lives which have normally been fulfilled by our families, police, schools, business, and health care. This manifests in our emotional and financial security, law and order, freedom from fear, social stability, health, and wellbeing.
Then come our Love and Belongingness Needs, such as friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. As well as being a part of a group, whether that is family, friends, or work.
Esteem and Self-actualization Needs are the highest, and less important, levels in Maslow's hierarchy. From dignity, achievement, and independence to the desire for status and prestige. These upper areas have become less and less dominant as we concentrate on taking care of the basic steps for ourselves and our families.
“There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about…(ourselves)... and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.”-Ash Beckham
We must remember that right now we are all going through something. It can be easy to do so, but take a moment to step back, as we deal with wearing masks, social distancing and the like, and remember to not take things personally.
As I frequently say, be kind to yourself. Many of us feel as if we have lost touch with those who were once an integral part of our social network. We have not done anything wrong or bad, we are, like everyone else, simply dealing with life.
And if you find yourself over-using a vice to cope with feelings, it's ok - be gentle with yourself & that internal dialogue that seems to be getting louder for so many. The strongest thing we can do for ourselves and the world right now, is to offer extreme self-compassion.
If our anxiety and depression have become overwhelming to the point that it concerns us and those around us, there is a therapeutic approach I’ve been finding myself recommending for many of my clients right now. It’s called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and can be defined as “unique in its emphasis on mindfulness and dialectical thinking. Rather than only treating symptoms as problems to be solved, DBT places an equally important emphasis on acceptance of experiences as they are in this moment.” Find more in-depth information here.
FIRST and foremost, let's keep prioritizing our own self-care and then focusing on the needs of our families mental health. Everything else will eventually fall into place and there is always help available.
One of the largest networks of mental health professionals is right here in Orange County & we are seeing clients nationwide due to the recent expansion of telehealth guidelines. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of our situations with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. As I frequently say, all feelings are always allowed!
If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found here.
While we are sheltering at home, I wonder what we are up to. Are we pushing ourselves to do more in our work/home lives? Have we made loaves of bread that would put bakers in France to shame? Have we taught ourselves a new language? Written a screenplay? Knitted booties for preemies? Redone the basement? If not, shouldn’t we be doing these things... and more?
The answer, to put it gently, is not at all. Setting goals for how we should be using all this “extra time” to check things off our to-do lists seems like something good, yet it can in fact become what I like to call “Toxic Productivity.”
It becomes toxic when it shuts us off from the things that we need in our lives. When work becomes all-encompassing to the point where nothing else matters, is a very strong red-light that we are overwhelming ourselves.
We may not even notice that our stay-at-home work ethic is unhealthy. Take a moment to assess. Are we forgetting or working through our need to eat, drink, sleep, or go to the bathroom?
Our partner/family members may be telling us that we're “always working,” “never around” or “always on our phone.” What they mean is, "We miss you. We need you. Please spend time with us.”
It may seem counterintuitive to say so, but let’s think about productivity. Being a productive person is wonderful, when we are feeling great about it, and when we aren’t it can send us down a spiral of self-doubt and depression. When we expect more from ourselves than we can produce in a healthy way; this is the definition of “Toxic Productivity”. You can find a more in-depth description and coping strategies here.
We are absolutely in unprecedented times right now. Our homes have become our world, offices, daycare and schools for our children. Some of us are still working, some of us are trying to find things to do, and many of us, no matter what our situation, are feeling overwhelmed.
Guess what? That means we are human. It’s ok to become more productive, just as it is ok to feel that you can’t do any more than you are. It’s human to feel stuck and unmotivated right now. And it’s even fine to take this time to breathe.
There is no one perfect way to get motivated. Our motivation cues differ, just as we do. We can try setting more realistic goals, taking timed breaks throughout the day to meditate, check-in with family and friends, to connect with others in the outside world. (Thanks to video conferencing we can see those we care about, even if we can’t be in the same place.) We’ve seen friends dancing, singing, reading more and all of these can be joyful pursuits that take us out of our slump.
The number one thing to remember is to treat ourselves as we would treat others. We empathize when our family and friends are overwhelmed, and we can do the same for the person we see in the mirror. It’s ok to take all morning to get out of your pj’s. It’s ok to not start or finish the reorganizing project. Let your friends do the sourdough baking (and hopefully they will safely share some with you) while you cheer them on.
It’s ok not to be uber productive. We all, at one time or another in this isolating time, will feel uncomfortable and unsure. We are all human and we are all in this together.
Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed! If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found here.
This article was originally published on July 31, 2018, on TherapyRoute.com.
This winter was very difficult for a lot of us. The cultural climate of constant conflict and discord has left many of us feeling emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, drained. It is so important that we take the time to invite this new Spring season into our lives, and welcome a much needed, and refreshing, change.
Over these past few months, I have observed many of my clients going through a big shift, and they can feel themselves coming out of a life-hibernation. Many are sharing that they feel as though they are suddenly acutely aware of their potential, power, and worth. Wonderful right? Except for many people, this time of inner revolution can feel a bit overwhelming and scary. Often, as we begin to move into our highest selves, there are multiple layers of complex narratives that bubble to the surface.
It’s a process, a tapestry of tales and experiences, stitched together to form a renewed sense of Self. There are things we can do along each step of the way to empower our fierce truths, enliven our bravery and decrease any discomfort that may come up. You will absolutely come out of the process feeling stronger and better than ever before, you just may need support along the way.
1. Often times, when we recognize things that we hadn’t before, we initially wish we could go back to a time when we didn’t know. I think a lot of this is rooted in fear of the unknown. We mistakenly believe that this new awareness will diminish our sense of safety, security and predictability, so, rather than cradle our newfound truth, we try to throw it away and ignore it. If you find yourself in this place, I invite you to write it down. Write down the new calling/dream/truth/goal in a journal or a place that feels safe to you.
Even if you don’t want to do anything about it, just give it a space to live outside of your body/mind/spirit. “Ok, truth. I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge you. I might not do anything about it right now, and I might wish you were never here, but I thank you for stopping by”. As you allow yourself to write about it you will begin to notice an evolution of your feelings.
Set aside 5-10 minutes of your day to ask yourself important questions like, “What if I allow this truth to be true? What if I don’t have to do anything about it just yet, but I can just try it on for size? What would it look like if I leaned into this newness? What am I, actually, afraid of?” To use a favorite analogy from Sue Monk Kidd, once we are stung by a symbolic bee, we cannot be unstung. Write it out and you’ll find your way.
2. As you begin to stand in your new sense of power, you may feel an unexpected guest arrive: Anger (with a capital A). I’ve seen this so much lately, especially after the election. While we are very often told that anger is a foe, I believe it is actually a friend, trying to tell us very important information. As we wake-up we may start to feel less tolerant of people mistreating us; we may begin to question the motives of those we’d previously accepted without question; we may start to feel a deep, primal rage simmering while we re-examine our society and our history.
This is when I highly recommend seeking the help and guidance of others. Perhaps you schedule an extra appointment with a therapist, or maybe you have a trusted mentor in your life to turn to. Either way, it is so important that you talk through the anger and explore its messages, before quickly reacting and potentially doing things you might regret. Anger is trying to deliver messages to us, but if we make rash decisions in its grasp, we very possibly miss the incredible gifts it has buried within. It’s not about making the anger go away, it’s about embracing it and then excavating for important artifacts. Using it as a tool rather than a weapon. We must take the time to work with our rage, knowing you owned it, not the other way around.
3. Right after the election, I found myself with numerous clients struggling with suddenly severed relationships. Many experienced breaks in family ties and shared about dissolved friendships. The first thing I want to ensure everyone is that they are not alone. While we may feel temporarily isolated or displaced, and begin to blame ourselves entirely, it is so critical that we grant ourselves some serious self-compassion. As we leave the shores of the familiar and chart a course for new, unknown, lands, we can sometimes lose our bearings for a bit.
We feel proud of our new strength and knowledge, but, at the same exact time, we might be met with unexpected longings for our previous routines, patterns, and relationships, even if they were toxic. When we are in these in-between spaces, it is important to start seeking out supportive friends and relationships that nurture your transformation. It is also critical to practice massive amounts of self-care. Some examples that always help: Going for long walks, finding a good book at the library, taking a bubble bath each night, getting a massage, practicing yoga a few times a week, sitting alone in nature, repeating positive affirmations, getting plenty of sleep, eating lots of grounding vegetables and fresh fruits, drinking plenty of water, and taking time to journal. You are not alone, and you will feel whole once again.
As you enter Spring this year, remember that it may not always be easy, just like the butterfly struggling to emerge from her cocoon or a new flower pushing mightily through the thick winter mud, but it is, without question, always worth it.
As you hear the songbirds begin to sing outside again, remember to use these tools to keep yourself centered and courageous. There is big work to be done in this world, and we need you to be your best self, now, more than ever before.
Isolation, social distancing, stay at home orders and quarantines have become our “new normal.” The closing in of our physical world can bring about introspection, meditation and self-improvement, in a perfect world of course. In reality however, this new reality- we are stressed, uncertain and anxious. There is no better time than now to become compassionate with ourselves so that we’re better able to support one another.
When we talk about “self-compassion” we are talking about treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend who we look in on if they are having a hard time. Instead of getting angry with them/ourselves when they/we are uncertain or struggling, we take the time to listen to what they/we are feeling.
It can be hard to imagine how this plays out for ourselves, so let’s think about it like this. Typically, one would check in on someone going through a divorce or loss, asking “How are you feeling? What can I do for you? Do you need anything?” Now let’s think of ourselves as that friend. We don’t get angry at them for feeling what they are feeling, and so we should feel the same way about ourselves. The feelings of anger and frustration at the current isolating situation are universal, and we can understand how others are feeling them. That makes it even more ok that we are feeling them, we have found our common humanity.
Self-compassion is a strong tool for building our own empathy and transforming our thoughts into positive affirmations. The transforming effects of this practice, which can give us the strength to strive in an overwhelming time, are delved into in more depth in this informative article from Mindful.org.
When we are taking space that is needed to recognize this is something others are struggling with, we can reach out for support. One of the most beautiful things we are seeing right now is the use of video conferencing and messaging on Zoom or Facebook Messenger- for family and friends to check in, catch up and assist one another through this challenging time.
Humans are social creatures, and isolation can be damaging to both our mental and physical health. When we are socially isolated our sleep and eating patterns can become disrupted. This can cause a snowball effect where we are more likely to feel depressed. By sharing with others in video chats, messaging and phone calls we can disrupt the disruption! We or others may have found ways of dealing with these issues that we then share with one another. Essentially, we build a support system for one another. It’s an excellent opportunity for a very beautiful thing in an extremely difficult time.
Though it goes against that anxiety, we may often find ourselves also mindlessly snacking, mixing cocktails early in the day or overeating to bury that stress and anxiety. We don't have the coping skills in place to manage these feelings so we’re doing the best we can.
The best first step is to ADDRESS what the feeling is that's uncomfortable and work on THAT. (Usually this presents itself as anger, short temper, frustration with ourselves and/or our partner/kids.) Once the feeling is acknowledged and worked through, the urges to numb with food or alcohol will naturally drop off. This takes time and the most important piece is to offer yourself some grace during this process.
Communication is at the root of all of this. Allowing ourselves to speak about our fears and anxiety is a step in the right direction. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed! If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found here.
Change of any kind can cause what we call “Transitional Stress.” The anxiety and emotional upheaval that an alteration to our normal routine can wreak upon us is a very real thing. Right now, I am in the middle of a fairly big move, which is the inspiration for this month's blog. As our living environments shift, so do so many other things in our lives - which can be a beautiful and powerful thing. However, it can also bring a lot of uncertainty, which is a common feeling that can be a challenge to navigate.
Though we are often told that ‘change is good’ - it doesn’t always feel as if it is; especially when we are right smack dab in the middle of piles of empty moving boxes. Remember the uncertainty of expecting your first child? Perhaps you recall starting a new semester at school? Or moving to a new position or job in your career. Although these changes can often be positive, the stress they induce isn’t. We may find ourselves questioning if it’s truly in our best interest to take the leap of taking on something new.
These transitions bring us in contact with new people, unfamiliar guidelines, situations and our adaptive responses to these shifts in our environment can be hindered or even baffled by all the new information we are taking in. From one moment to the next we can be excited, anxious, elated and then feeling overwhelmed by dread. It’s exhausting! Both physically and emotionally.
Many, if not all, aspects of ourselves may be in upheaval. This article from Psychology Today on the 5 R’s of Culture Change, explains in more depth how our Routines, Reactions, Roles, Relationships, and Reflections about ourselves are all affected during times of transition.
There are several coping mechanisms we can adapt, as habits perhaps, to guide us through these stressful changes. For example, exercise has many positive side effects, besides the obvious physical ones. More specifically, yoga relieves anxiety by stimulating brain chemicals, increasing the activity of serotonin and norepinephrine and a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria and helps control the brain’s response to stress.
Also, taking a moment to breathe and center ourselves, whether through guided meditation or other exercises, can bring us back from the anxiety induced brink. I have a blog post on how to Be Mindful About Burnout that delves into the practice and solutions it can give you.
Finding the practice that works best for us may take a little time. Here is an article by PsychCentral Associate Editor Therese J. Borchard that offers up several options.
This quote from Roy T. Bennet sums it up perfectly- “It’s only after you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow and transform.”
Change and transition are the only way for our personal growth to manifest. We grow when we take on a new class in a new semester at school. Our career trajectory grows when we take on a new position or job. And we move and grow into a new phase of our lives when we become parents or move into a new home or office. Change is good, when we know we have the tools and coping mechanisms to get us through it. After all, the only thing that is constant in our lives is in fact, change.
As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.
It’s a new year! That means the holiday rush is over and the post-holiday crash is upon us. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season can bring a whole host of emotions to our lives. Family relations, parties, gift shopping and gift-giving are just some of the holiday pressures that build up the tension we may feel throughout the season. Let’s also not forget the stress that the seasonal menus may bring, whether it’s over/emotional eating, drinking more alcohol, or eating heavier and sweeter foods than we are used to. It all adds up to a tsunami of stress.
While we may have been able to charge through the season, flying on the fuel of parties, drinks, family, and get-togethers; our minds and bodies can only take so much of that merry-making before they break down. Our sleep patterns can become disrupted, our diets stretch far from the norm, and the social interactions can be emotionally draining.
January has become known as the month to re-set. Resetting our exercise and food goals can be enormously impacted by also resetting our mindset.
Take a deep breath and let’s think about it. After this season of giving, taking some time to give back to ourselves is perhaps a good idea. By beginning the new year in a positive way, we’ll be better prepared for whatever the ensuing months bring us. We should have the time now for getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising regularly and even meditation. FYI- all of these helpful tips were in December’s blog.)
If you’re looking to make that time for self-care and find a more in-depth list of different ways to restore and re-energize; this article from Diane Roberts Stoler Ed.D. is very helpful!
Most people know I’m a big believer in the power of meditation. There are many positive effects of having a consistent meditation practice. Studies have shown that meditation can stimulate areas of the brain that may help control emotional reaction, attention and decreased blood levels of interleukin-6, which is associated with inflammatory disease risk. Meditation also improves physical and emotional health, enhances sleep, can bring about better health-related habits and behaviors, and more self-compassion. Through these studies, we have learned that meditation is a simple, scientifically validated exercise for your brain that enables you to put space between you and your emotions. Let that sink in.
One popular way of testing the “meditation waters” is to utilize a Meditation App like headspace. They gently guide you through mind settling exercises on your own schedule. The way they explain how a meditation practice helps reduce stress is “the drip, drip, drip effect of stress actually reshapes the structure and neural pathways of our brain — a process called neuroplasticity. In other words, the brain gets reprogrammed by the experiences it is continually subjected to. And that’s where meditation comes in.” January isn’t only for physical exercise reboot, it can also be our way to exercise our brains.
Starting the year off with intentional physical, mental and emotional practices will bring a Happy New Year to all of us. Basically, when we take care of ourselves, everyone around us benefits. It’s a win/win.
And as always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.
We often don’t realize how important sleep and rest are to our overall wellness until we aren’t getting enough of it. One in three adults in the US isn’t getting the rest they need which builds up more anxiety among those who fail to get enough sleep. The effects on our body of sleep deprivation can increase the severity of conditions like diabetes, hypertension, and obesity. New research has found that our pain threshold falls about 15 percent after just one night of insufficient rest. Sleep is an essential and healthy way for us all to “reset” our minds and bodies each night.
Do you find yourself yawning throughout the day? Have you noticed an increase in your moodiness, fatigue, irritability and/or depression? When we are sleep deprived we find it challenging to concentrate and often have a lack of motivation. Studies also show that an increase in our carb cravings and a decrease in our sex drive are signs that we aren’t getting the sleep we need.
Research suggests it should normally take about 10 to 20 minutes for us to drift off. Though if we find we’re thinking it's taking too long than it is, (and haven't we all been caught in that "I can't get to sleep... I have to get to sleep) loop?! Essentially, the anxiety brought on by not sleeping is built by the anxiety of trying to get to sleep. This just builds and builds. It’s an unwanted, unproductive cycle.
Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, developing a sleep routine schedule will enable you to get the zzz’s you need. Here’s a suggestion: Begin by making your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. No screens, gentle lighting and a comfortable atmosphere are all ideas I suggest to my clients. Going to bed at the same time each night will also help ease you into dreamland.
You can find more ideas to assist your nighttime rituals in this article by Holly Pevzner in Psychology Today. This routine doesn’t have to be an every night occurrence, as an all or nothing approach can also build anxiety and we don’t want that! In my experience, developing a healthy rest habit will have a positive effect on almost every area of your life.
The bedtime routine you build can also be helped by starting a meditation/mindfulness practice. In this article by Ed Halliwell, his words ring very true. “In mindfulness practice, we train in letting go of our stories about stress and pain, learn that thoughts are not facts, and watch sensations change from moment to moment.” Essentially, that letting go can enable us to slip more readily into slumber. Rather than fighting the anxiety, thus building more on top of more anxious thoughts, we can reduce the stress and increase the much needed hours of sleep.
The positive domino effects of taking the time to settle our minds, ease the tense and stiff physical impact our day may have had on us, are countless. Mindfulness and getting enough sleep work in tandem to guide us into our more alert, well-rested and ready for whatever our day may bring us, selves!
As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.
The Social Media Struggle with teens is REAL and is by far one of the biggest frustrations facing most parents I see in my practice. Let’s be frank, many of us adults are participants in the social media frenzy, as it has become an integral part of our lives and business’. Whether you are catching up with friends on Facebook, peddling your wares on Pinterest or loving the puppy pics on Instagram, 7 out of 10 of us are utilizing these platforms.
As for our teenage children, we may fear the worst when it comes to their screen time. This article here addresses how more time on social media is associated with depression, low self-esteem, body image issues, anxiety, social isolation, loneliness and perpetuates eating disorders and self-harm behaviors.
The positive effects of social media have been found to be directly related to the social aspect. Teens can be current on what's going on in their social group and support one another, which is a plus. Yet when a teenager spends more than 3 hours a day of screen time on these platforms, the negative influences; like rumor spreading, lack of in-person contact, unrealistic views of others’ lives, peer pressure, and mental health issues have been shown to be the most degrading for our teen's mental health.
It’s important to keep in mind that teenagers want and need direction. We know that a normal part of the development of a teenager is a biologically driven need for exploration, which enables them to acquire experience to prepare them for the complex decisions they will be making when they get to adulthood. Setting boundaries and creating guidelines gives them the freedom to traverse the social media landscape while sustaining a more stable interaction.
Setting limits on your teenagers by tracking their social media time may seem hypocritical when you, the adult, are also utilizing the space. Yes, our brains should be stronger when it comes to social interactions and able to recognize the sliver of reality that the landscape represents. That isn’t always the truth though, is it? Facebook, Instagram and the like, often have us comparing ourselves negatively to others as we may feel that our lives are not as adventurous, exciting or romantic.
By modeling the limits on our own behaviors for our teenagers we can help them while also helping ourselves. Try setting social media time limits for all of you; as a family. Turn off phone notifications when you are home so you don’t feel triggered to check whenever you receive a new notification. You can also have “phone-free zones” like the kitchen or dining room.
A nighttime social media curfew will give your teen a boundary that will ease their interaction anxiety. “Sorry, my parents won’t let me text after 10 pm” is an easier opt-out for them if they fear the pressure of their peers. You can find more ideas for easing you and your teen's time on social media here.
As hard as it is for our teenagers to imagine the world we grew up in, without cell phone’s Facebook and Instagram; it’s just as hard for us adults to imagine our lives now, without them. Navigating a teenager through the social media landscape can be confusing and worrisome when these platforms are now such an inherent part of our lives.
As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.
“I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!” is a famous quote from the movie Network, where the on-air news anchor just can't take the stress anymore. A feeling I’m sure we can all relate to!
It’s a well-known fact, that the workplace can be a hotbed of stress, and that stress can lead to burnout. Deadlines, lack of control, unclear job expectations, bosses, and a dysfunctional environment are work pressures that can all lead to both mental and physical symptoms that, if left unaddressed, can make it difficult to function in day-to-day life.
Are you feeling exhausted at the end of your workday? Have you started to hate your job and dread going in? Maybe you have begun to feel as if you are less capable of doing your job? These may all be signs of burnout.
Most of us spend the majority of our days working and when we don't get any satisfaction out of what we're doing, it can take a serious toll. Here are a few “symptoms” that may indicate burnout at work:
Stress and frustration
Headaches or stomach aches
Feeling drained or emotionally exhausted
Difficulty concentrating and feeling negative and cynical about work tasks
You can find a more in-depth definition and signs of burnout in this article by Steven Gans MD.
Ignoring the symptoms of job burnout may result in fatigue, insomnia, irritability, high blood pressure, and a lowered immune system. You may even find yourself dealing with your job stress with alcohol, drugs or even food.
Carrying that stress over into your home life can also happen. Typically, when we’re not happy at our place of work, our relationships tend to suffer as well. As we all well know, ignoring something does not make it go away.
I absolutely love this quote from my friend and colleague Cayce Howe - which really encapsulates what we can do to move forward through these times.
There are many ways of dealing with work pressures. Evaluating a job/career change and seeking support from co-workers, friends or loved ones might help you cope. Another path that can help is Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Let’s delve into what MBSR can do for workplace burnout and stress.
These two studies looked directly at whether mindfulness meditation might improve job satisfaction, work-related stress, and anxiety. They used MBSR training, sitting meditation, integration of mindfulness into their daily life, and other mindful tools to teach the participants how to deal with their work pressures. At the end of the trial, participants reported improved focus, “less perceived stress, improved physical and emotional health, enhanced sleep, better health-related habits and behaviors, and more self-compassion. What’s more, they also showed significant declines in blood cortisol levels and systolic and diastolic blood pressure, suggesting that both their minds and bodies were less stressed following the program.”
Another study found that mindfulness meditation stimulated areas of the brain that may help control emotional reaction and attention and decreased blood levels of interleukin-6, which is associated with inflammatory disease risk. Through these studies, we have learned that meditation is a simple, scientifically validated exercise for your brain that enables you to put space between you and your emotions.
All of this is to say that taking the time; through Mindfulness, can help to center and relieve stress and anxiety. We often speak about “having a moment to myself” and that is, at its very core - what mindfulness is. Carving out that time to be calm, present, self-aware and alert can carry over into work & home life, with many strong benefits to your health, career, and relationships.
Please remember you are not alone. There is so much strength in asking for help and working towards the life you want. As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.
Have you ever noticed that when things don’t go to plan there are those who can just roll with it, adapt and get over it? Then there are others we may label “perfectionists” who aren’t able to take things in stride and go with the flow. Often times, that perfectly imperfect “nit-picker” or “micromanager” may even be the person we see in the mirror….. ourselves.
By definition, perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting high-performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. That’s a lot to manage!
As a perfectionist attempts to be perfect and produce flawless work they may also set inflexible and excessively high standards for themselves and others. They become extremely self-critical about their performance and they have an ‘all-or-nothing’ mindset about their work. Many studies have found that perfectionists have higher levels of stress, burnout, and anxiety. Check one of them out here.
THIS is a great question. When we are very young we can develop perfectionist tendencies as an adaptive coping strategy. It’s a survival adaptation we take on as a way to preserve and ensure we get the love and support we need from our primary caregivers. When something we do provokes a negative response, like displeasure or anger, from our parents/guardians that can cause us to feel less than, not good enough we may come to believe that our self-worth is contingent on performing perfectly.
Essentially, we feel that our natural self isn’t good enough, which can be a very strong and profound experience. This is where the belief develops that if we are always perceived as perfect, people will see us as loveable. It can get complicated.
"It's not that perfection cannot be achieved. It's that it's so hard to stop there."-Robert Brault
This Instagram post from Dr.Soph really struck a chord with me. She talks about how perfectionists will often give 110% to a project, but only when they know they can make it absolutely perfect. They are more apt to back out of something when they believe that they cannot complete it to their highest standards. In the therapy world, this is referred to as the “fight or flight” scenario. Typically, the person’s anxiety increases as they feel that this imperfection “endangers” their relationships {this is usually all unconscious.}
Dropping out of school, giving up on an exercise routine or sport, and even walking away from relationships seems to go contrary to what a perfectionist strives for. Yet it is also a very strong indicator that the perfectionist is in crisis and fleeing from the imperfection.
Do you see yourself in the perfect mirror described above? Do any of these perfectionist traits sound familiar to you? You may pride yourself on getting things right, only to be confused and demoralized when you can’t cope with their incompletion. This can be a vicious cycle of self-critique that is often very crippling. As a recovering perfectionist myself, it’s a constant dance, unlearning patterns and habits from childhood with implementing new, healthier ways of being.
So let’s face it, you may never become a proponent of the belief that there is beauty in the “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete” and that’s okay. Just remember to be gentle with yourself during the process and know that there are therapies out there that can help in discovering, working through and coping with feelings of helplessness to strengthen your relationships.
As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found here.
As we grow up we are often teased by others. That seemingly harmless behavior becomes bullying when it's repetitive and/or when there's a conscious intent to hurt another. Whether it is name-calling, excluding another person/child or being physically abusive… Researchers have estimated that between 20%-30% of school-age children and teens are involved in incidents, as either the bully or victim. Not sure about you, but that number is way too high to me!
There are signs that you can look for if you think your child may be affected by bullying.
Are they becoming more withdrawn from you and at school? Is that withdrawal in tune with a sudden drop in their grades? Are they wanting to avoid school completely? These are just a few behavioral changes that may indicate that your child is being bullied.
Showing your child empathy and a willingness to listen to their feelings will give them a space where they can recount incidences of teasing or bullying. Gently encouraging them to verbalize what they are going through enables them to share their experiences with you and move forward towards problem-solving. You can find a more comprehensive list of symptoms and ways to assist your child here from Scholastic Parents Magazine.
When your child becomes a teenager, the bullying (often referred to as Cyberbullying) can occur where the teen bully uses social media platforms to tease their victims. Interestingly enough, research shows that adolescent girls are more likely to have experienced cyberbullying than boys. In addition, teen girls are also more likely to spread rumors, while boys are more likely to post hurtful pictures or videos. All this being said, experts don’t believe that forbidding technology from your child is the answer. The best approach seems to be simply teaching your kids right from wrong. This post on Cyberbullying digs into the research more, and offers ways to help guide your teen and work with your schools to put a stop to this harmful behavior.
Many of us think that as we become adults we outgrow the bullying behaviors and culture. Yet the statistics showing the amount of adults who experience bullying in the workplace are alarming. The research from Dr. Judy Blando (University of Phoenix) has proven that almost 75% of employees surveyed had been affected by workplace bullying, whether as a target or a witness. Perhaps you have witnessed this?
Workplace bullying by supervisors, superiors, and co-workers is often a form of power struggle. As there is no legal definition of bullying, the Trade Union Congress (TUC) states that "usually if a person genuinely feels they are being singled out for unfair treatment by a boss or colleague they are probably being bullied.” According to the Workplace Bullying Institute the definition of abusive conduct is: threatening, humiliating, intimidating, sabotaging behaviors which prevents work from getting done.
Documenting the abusive behavior, addressing the bully directly and bringing your concerns to a supervisor are just a few beginning steps you can take. Christine Comaford with Forbes Magazine, outlines several helpful ways here to confront the work bully and change the work culture that developed to enable the bullying in the first place.
It’s important to remember that neither you, a working adult, nor your child should put up with bullying in any form. As I wrote in last month's, The Gossip Effect blog post, learning how to confront and communicate with the people in your life directly, can teach you and your child, how to work through difficult situations. As daunting as conflict and confrontation can be, the end result is healthier communication styles for all involved.
As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
All of my information can be found here.
