Reconnecting: What to Do When You Feel Disconnected from Your Partner ♥️

In the journey of marriage, there are moments when we might find ourselves feeling disconnected from our partner. It's a common experience, but it can be disheartening and even worrying. However, it's important to remember that feeling disconnected doesn't mean the end of love or intimacy. Rather, it's an opportunity for growth and reconnection. In this blog post, we'll explore some practical steps you can take to bridge the gap and strengthen the bond with your partner.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step towards reconnecting with your spouse is acknowledging your feelings of disconnection. It's okay to feel this way, and it's essential to recognize and validate your emotions. Take some time to reflect on what might be causing the disconnect and how it's impacting you and your relationship.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is key to rebuilding connection in any relationship. Sit down with your partner and have an open, honest conversation about how you've been feeling. Share your thoughts, concerns, and desires without blame or judgment. Remember to listen actively to your partner's perspective as well. This mutual exchange can foster understanding and empathy between you both.

Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life can get busy, and sometimes we neglect to spend quality time with our spouse. Make a conscious effort to prioritize one-on-one time together regularly. It doesn't have to be extravagant – even simple activities like cooking together, going for a walk, or enjoying a movie night can help strengthen your bond.

Revisit Shared Goals and Dreams

Reflecting on your shared goals and dreams can reignite the sense of unity and purpose in your relationship. Take some time to revisit your aspirations as a couple and discuss how you can work together to achieve them. This collaborative effort can help you feel more connected and aligned with each other's visions for the future.

Practice Gratitude and Appreciation

Expressing gratitude and appreciation towards your partner can foster feelings of connection and warmth. Make it a habit to acknowledge and thank your partner for the little things they do. Show appreciation for their efforts, qualities, and presence in your life. Small gestures of kindness and affirmation can go a long way in strengthening your emotional connection.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If you're struggling to reconnect with your partner despite your efforts, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Marriage counseling or therapy can provide a supportive environment for addressing underlying issues, improving communication skills, and rebuilding intimacy. A trained therapist can offer guidance and tools tailored to your specific needs and concerns.

Conclusion

Feeling disconnected from your partner is a common challenge in marriage, but it doesn't have to define the future of your relationship. By acknowledging your feelings, communicating openly, prioritizing quality time, revisiting shared goals, practicing gratitude, and seeking professional help if needed, you can take proactive steps toward rekindling the connection with your partner. Remember, relationships require effort and commitment, but the rewards of a strong and thriving bond are immeasurable.

As always, if I can be helpful in any way- please reach out! If I’m not a perfect fit, I’m happy to help find a referral for you. All of my contact information can be found, here. ♥️

Red Flags 🚩 in Relationships

When we meet new people, it's natural to be excited about potential friendships, relationships, or collaborations. However, amidst the initial excitement, it's crucial to remain mindful of red flags that may indicate potential issues down the line. These red 🚩flags serve as valuable signals that can help protect our well-being and ensure healthier interactions. Here's why paying attention to red flags when meeting someone new is so important:

1. Protecting Your Boundaries: Red 🚩flags often signal behaviors or attitudes that may encroach upon your boundaries. Whether it's someone who consistently disrespects your time, makes inappropriate remarks, or disregards your feelings, noticing these warning signs allows you to assert your boundaries early on and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

2. Preserving Emotional Well-being: Ignoring red 🚩 flags can lead to emotional strain and distress in the long run. Patterns of manipulation, deceit, or toxicity can gradually erode your self-esteem and peace of mind. By acknowledging red flags early, you allow yourself to distance yourself from potentially harmful relationships and prioritize your emotional well-being.

3. Avoiding Future Conflicts: Red 🚩flags often hint at underlying issues that may escalate into conflicts or challenges later on. Whether it's communication barriers, differing values, or incompatible lifestyles, recognizing these warning signs allows you to address concerns proactively or make informed decisions about the level of involvement you wish to have with the individual.

4. Promoting Authentic Connections: Authentic connections are built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Red 🚩 flags may indicate insincerity, dishonesty, or lack of integrity in a person's character. By heeding these signals, you can focus your energy on cultivating genuine connections with individuals who align with your values and bring positivity into your life.

5. Empowering Yourself: Paying attention to red 🚩flags is an empowering act of self-care and self-awareness. It demonstrates your commitment to honoring your intuition and prioritizing your overall well-being. Trusting your instincts and setting healthy boundaries empower you to navigate relationships from a position of strength and self-respect.

“While it’s natural to feel optimistic when meeting new people, it’s equally important to remain vigilant for red 🚩flags that may indicate potential challenges or concerns. By recognizing these warning signs early on, you empower yourself to make informed decisions, protect your boundaries, and foster genuine connections with individuals who enhance your life in meaningful ways. Remember, paying attention to red 🚩 flags isn’t about being overly suspicious, but rather about safeguarding your happiness and well-being in every interaction.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

Cultivating Intimacy

Sex is a major component of intimate relationships, whether you’re married or in a committed partnership… intimacy problems among couples happen more than you think.

If you and your partner are experiencing intimacy issues, you’re not alone. In fact, “positive intimate functioning contributes approximately 15-20% to a marriage, while problematic intimacy holds much more weight, approximately 50-75%.(1)” Simply put, this means that couples who reported positive intimate relationships with their partner say their sexual relationship only contributed 15-20% of their overall happiness, whereas couples who reported problematic intimate relationships say their sexual relationships contribute 50-75% of their overall unhappiness. That’s a big difference.

I recently worked with a couple that reported having intimacy problems. The wife felt that her sexual needs weren’t being met, while the husband said he was often too tired at the end of the day to engage in sex. After discussing the situation with the couple, I was able to provide them a few suggestions that could improve their intimacy, which I will share with you.

PUTTING “ME” BEFORE “WE”

Intimacy — and sex — is a two-way street. While it may seem obvious, if partners are out of sync with one another, it can lead to intimacy issues. If your partner is frustrated by the lack of intimacy in your relationship, is it because they’re wanting “too much” intimacy as far as you’re concerned or are you desiring less intimacy? It could also be something in the middle, too. Regardless, when each individual reflects on their role in an intimate relationship, that can serve as the springboard for a larger conversation about what “we” want or view as a healthy intimate relationship as a couple.

TALK IS IMPORTANT

Intimacy is different for every person, and by extension, every couple. When a couple comes to me with intimacy issues, one of the first questions I ask is “Have you talked about it?” I find that couples frequently say “Yes,” but when we explore those conversations further, it turns out that they’re often talking “at” one another rather than engaging in a constructive dialog.

Talking about intimacy and sex can be difficult for couples. “Sex” is loaded with other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and love, to name a few. So talking about this topic-head on isn’t always easy.

But nonetheless, it is important. When couples actually talk about their intimacy, sexual needs and desires, they often learn something new about their partner. I’ve seen instances where one partner feels deep satisfaction after a snuggling session, while the other spouse felt frustration at the end of the same snuggling session because it was lacking a sexual component.

There are plenty of self-help books and resources out there. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing the subject up to your partner, you could always bookmark articles that speak to you. After your partner reads them, you could then discuss it in context of the resource first and then your relationship.

Only when you and your partner can talk openly and free of judgement can you begin to discover the right balance of intimacy in your relationship.

KEEP IT PHYSICAL

Even when I see couples struggling with intimacy issues, I encourage them to not stop being physically intimate with one another. This doesn’t always mean sex, either. It could be as simple as holding hands or kissing, or giving one another massages.

This type of contact and expression is vital in order for you to keep your physical and emotional bonds. As people grow and evolve, so too does their relationship with intimacy. Sex drives change over time, as do preferences for physical contact.

It’s crucial to be honest with each other as your tastes and preferences change. Neglecting these types of conversations can lead to tension, frustration, and further relationship issues if they’re ignored.

Striking the right balance in any relationship is a constantly moving target. But like many things that are worth doing, it takes practice. It also takes a willingness to make the situation better, and by talking about it and remaining physically intimate with one another, intimacy issues can get better and improve the overall relationship with your loved one.

Sources

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/

ADAPTING TO CHANGE

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
”

— Jelaluddin Rumi

In a world that is constantly evolving and changing, our ability to adapt can increase our chances of being successful in our careers, relationships, health and more.

In life, we will always experience unpleasant and uncomfortable things. Some of these things are within our control, while often times, others are not. Adaptability ensures that we stay afloat with things are to bring us down - allowing us to bounce back from inevitable failures.

And the more adaptability we show, the more confident we become. Instead of running away from challenges, discomfort, and change. We learn how to embrace them, befriend them, and use them for personal growth. Essentially, we build resiliency and grit. 

If we have a dream, a goal, a vision- We’re going to have to be relentless in our pursuits. We’re going to have to push through pain, fight with adversity, and challenge ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Becoming adaptable is essential in our pursuits.

Everyone has their owns struggles, weaknesses, and demons to fight. Those that come out on top practice being adaptable. 

BUT SOMETIMES WE SUCK AT ADAPTABILITY

Well, because it’s sort of hard isn’t it?

Adaptation often requires you to stop following the status quo, to get out of our comfort zones, and to break routines.

That comfort zone we’ve created, helps us to decrease stress, reduce anxiety, and keeps us from taking risks. In reality, it’s really not all bad. We need our comfort zone every once in a while. That Netflix series and chicken soup for the soul kind of night if you will. ☻

If you’re ok with living in your comfort zone for the rest of your life there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s safe and secure and it makes perfect sense that you would want to stay comfortable.

However, if you’re looking to continually grow, challenge yourself, and embrace some of the uncomfortable then I leave you with this:

It’s up to us to embrace the uncertainty that comes with stepping out of our comfort zones and adapting to the changes that are necessary to excel. To act without expectation is a driving force for becoming more adaptable in our lives. There is seldom a perfect outcome to any situation but we can create better experiences for ourselves by using the power of adaptability.

We’re constantly evolving. Let’s not fight that but instead; lean into the changes, experiences, and lessons that we’re learning daily.

Sex + Relationships

Sex is a major component of intimate relationships, whether you’re married or in a committed partnership… intimacy problems among couples happen more than you think.

If you and your partner are experiencing intimacy issues, you’re not alone. In fact, “positive intimate functioning contributes approximately 15-20% to a marriage, while problematic intimacy holds much more weight, approximately 50-75%.(1)” Simply put, this means that couples who reported positive intimate relationships with their partner say their sexual relationship only contributed 15-20% of their overall happiness, whereas couples who reported problematic intimate relationships say their sexual relationships contribute 50-75% of their overall unhappiness. That’s a big difference.

I recently worked with a couple that reported having intimacy problems. The wife felt that her sexual needs weren’t being met, while the husband said he was often too tired at the end of the day to engage in sex. After discussing the situation with the couple, I was able to provide them a few suggestions that could improve their intimacy, which I will share with you.

Putting “Me” Before “We”

Intimacy — and sex — is a two-way street. While it may seem obvious, if partners are out of sync with one another, it can lead to intimacy issues. If your partner is frustrated by the lack of intimacy in your relationship, is it because they’re wanting “too much” intimacy as far as you’re concerned or are you desiring less intimacy? It could also be something in the middle, too. Regardless, when each individual reflects on their role in an intimate relationship, that can serve as the springboard for a larger conversation about what “we” want or view as a healthy intimate relationship as a couple.

Talk is Important

Intimacy is different for every person, and by extension, every couple. When a couple comes to me with intimacy issues, one of the first questions I ask is “Have you talked about it?” I find that couples frequently say “Yes,” but when we explore those conversations further, it turns out that they’re often talking “at” one another rather than engaging in a constructive dialog.

Talking about intimacy and sex can be difficult for couples. “Sex” is loaded with other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and love, to name a few. So talking about this topic-head on isn’t always easy.

But nonetheless, it is important. When couples actually talk about their intimacy, sexual needs and desires, they often learn something new about their partner. I’ve seen instances where one partner feels deep satisfaction after a snuggling session, while the other spouse felt frustration at the end of the same snuggling session because it was lacking a sexual component.

There are plenty of self-help books and resources out there. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing the subject up to your partner, you could always bookmark articles that speak to you. After your partner reads them, you could then discuss it in context of the resource first and then your relationship.

Only when you and your partner can talk openly and free of judgement can you begin to discover the right balance of intimacy in your relationship.

Keep it Physical

Even when I see couples struggling with intimacy issues, I encourage them to not stop being physically intimate with one another. This doesn’t always mean sex, either. It could be as simple as holding hands or kissing, or giving one another massages.

This type of contact and expression is vital in order for you to keep your physical and emotional bonds. As people grow and evolve, so too does their relationship with intimacy. Sex drives change over time, as do preferences for physical contact.

It’s crucial to be honest with each other as your tastes and preferences change. Neglecting these types of conversations can lead to tension, frustration, and further relationship issues if they’re ignored.

Striking the right balance in any relationship is a constantly moving target. But like many things that are worth doing, it takes practice. It also takes a willingness to make the situation better, and by talking about it and remaining physically intimate with one another, intimacy issues can get better and improve the overall relationship with your loved one.

Sources

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/

Relationships + Change

As humans we are constantly evolving, growing, and changing. As couples, we’re constantly evolving, growing, and changing, too. This growth and evolution can be great for couples, but what happens when this growth and evolution moves in opposite directions within a relationship?

There’s no question that the person you are today is different than the person you were years ago when you met your partner. Even when you started your relationship, you were a different person then than you are now...and the same is true for your partner. And with all of this change, there is bound to be some tension and tough times, but learning to accept your partner for who they are now--and who they will become--is the foundation of the next stage in your relationship.

Observing and Understanding Change:

There are times when change seemingly happens overnight, but those times are generally infrequent. Instead, change happens slowly over time, almost invisibly. If too much time goes by without addressing small changes, before you know it, these gradual changes have warped into giant chasms between you and your partner.

Whenever possible, attempt to (delicately) bring up these perceived changes with your partner. Ideally, this conversation isn’t confrontational in nature. Instead, it is more of an observational conversation. You may wish to approach your partner and state a few facts that you perceive have changed. If these are changes you’re observing in your partner (rather than your own changes), it is important to be supportive of your partner as you bring this conversation up. Depending on how you approach it, your partner may get offended or defensive, which has the potential to end the conversation before it even begins.

An idea:

You may want to start out by telling your partner about your love for them, and share a few fun, uplifting, loving memories from years ago. This will remind your partner about times when you were both deeply in love and in sync. Then, you can gently bring up some of the changes you’ve seen in your partner. During the course of this conversation, it’s important to be open to the fact that you have changed, too. If your partner wants to talk about those changes, it is important that you listen to them completely, and hear them out.

Relationships are a lot of work, and taking the time {together} to actively talk about your relationship and love for one another is important.

Where Do You Go From Here?

Well, it depends! If your conversation(s) went well, it's important to keep them going. Remember: part of the reason you had to have the “big” conversation in the first place is because you didn’t address the small changes until they became so big they were too hard to ignore.

So, now that you’ve had the talk, what can you do is schedule time where the two of you spend time with one another on a weekly basis. Turn off your phones and other distractions, and just be together. You can participate in each other’s hobbies, relive fun moments from your past, or just talk about your dreams and aspirations as a couple. These moments, though small, can really be beneficial for you and your partner in the long run.

If, however, your earlier conversation highlighted some larger rifts in your relationship that need mending, consider reaching out to family, friends, or a licensed professional for help. Sometimes, having someone with an outside perspective can be a huge benefit. If you’re not comfortable reaching out to family or friends, a licensed professional might be the best bet. Not only are we trained to help couples sort through these changes, but we’re also an unbiased third party, who has no agenda other than to help you as best as we can.

No matter what, remember that you both deserve to feel joy and happiness in your lives. Please reach out to me directly here if I can be of benefit.