Empowering Relationships: Essential Tools for Establishing Boundaries

Family dynamics can be a beautiful source of love, support, and connection. Yet, navigating these relationships often requires a delicate balance between closeness and maintaining personal boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for fostering respect, understanding, and maintaining your emotional well-being within these familial connections. Fortunately, there are several invaluable tools and strategies that can aid in this pursuit.

Understanding Boundaries

Before diving into the tools, it's crucial to grasp what boundaries entail. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define the limits of our emotional, physical, and mental space. They're the guidelines that delineate where we end and others begin. In the context of family, setting boundaries is about communicating your needs, preferences, and limitations while respecting those of others. Below, I’ll outline 8 effective tools for setting boundaries.

1. Clear Communication

Communication forms the bedrock of healthy relationships. Expressing your boundaries openly, honestly, and assertively is vital. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. For instance, "I feel overwhelmed when..." or "I need some space to..."

2. Consistency

Consistency reinforces boundaries. Stick to your established boundaries to help others understand what to expect. This consistency helps in setting clear expectations and maintaining the established limits.

3. Self-awareness

Understanding your own limits and triggers is fundamental. Recognizing what makes you uncomfortable or stressed enables you to communicate those boundaries effectively.

4. Respectful Assertiveness

Being assertive, not aggressive, is key. It's about standing your ground without infringing on others' rights. Firmly asserting your needs while respecting theirs creates a balanced dialogue.

5. Setting Consequences

Consequences can reinforce boundaries. Be clear about the consequences if boundaries are repeatedly crossed. This isn't about punishment but about protecting your well-being.

6. Self-Care Practices

Prioritize self-care. This includes activities that recharge you emotionally, physically, and mentally. When you're well-nurtured, you're better equipped to enforce boundaries.

7. Seeking Support

Sometimes, discussing boundaries with family can be challenging. Seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these conversations effectively.

8. Flexible Boundaries

Understand that boundaries may evolve. Flexibility allows for adjustments as relationships and circumstances change.

Challenges and Benefits of Boundary Setting within Families

Challenges may arise when implementing boundaries within family dynamics. Resistance, guilt, or misunderstandings might occur initially. However, the benefits far outweigh the challenges. Establishing healthy boundaries fosters:

• Respectful Relationships: Clear boundaries cultivate respect and understanding among family members.

• Emotional Well-being: Protecting your emotional space contributes to a healthier state of mind.

• Improved Communication: Open discussions about boundaries enhance communication skills within the family.

• Individual Growth: Acknowledging and honoring personal limits fosters personal growth and self-awareness.

IN CLOSING

Setting boundaries with family members is an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort from all involved. While it may pose challenges, the benefits of establishing and respecting boundaries within familial relationships are immeasurable. Utilizing these tools can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections that respect individual needs and nurture family bonds.

The Dark Side of Wellness Culture: Unraveling Its Impact on Mental Health

Wellness culture has seen a surge in popularity in recent years, promoting various self-care practices, fitness routines, and dietary trends. While the intention behind wellness culture is to enhance overall well-being, it's crucial to acknowledge the potentially harmful effects it can have on mental health. In this blog, I explore the darker aspects of wellness culture and how it can negatively impact our mental well-being.

• The Pressure to Optimize Every Aspect of Life

Wellness culture often propagates the notion that we must optimize every aspect of our lives, including diet, exercise, productivity, and self-care routines. This relentless pursuit of perfection can create immense pressure, leading to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. The constant comparison to curated images of 'ideal' lifestyles on social media can further exacerbate these feelings.

• Reinforcement of Unrealistic Body Standards

In the quest for a 'perfect' body, wellness culture can perpetuate unrealistic body standards. Messages of 'clean eating' and 'fit' bodies may inadvertently contribute to body dissatisfaction and low self-esteem. This can lead to disordered eating patterns, body dysmorphia, and a negative impact on mental health.

• Promotion of Pseudo-Scientific Claims

Wellness culture often promotes a wide range of health and wellness products and practices, some of which lack scientific evidence. While some practices may offer genuine benefits, others may make exaggerated claims that can mislead individuals seeking genuine solutions for their mental health concerns. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness.

• Toxic Positivity and Disregard for Authentic Emotions

The pressure to maintain a positive outlook at all times is another harmful aspect of wellness culture. Toxic positivity, which dismisses or trivializes genuine negative emotions, can be detrimental to mental health. It discourages individuals from acknowledging and processing their emotions, leading to emotional repression and increased stress.

• Financial Strain and Consumerism

The commodification of wellness can lead to a culture of consumerism, where people feel compelled to invest heavily in various wellness products, treatments, and experiences. The financial strain of continuously seeking and purchasing these products can cause stress and anxiety, particularly when the promised benefits fail to materialize.

• Creation of an Identity Tied to Wellness

For some individuals, wellness culture can become all-encompassing, leading them to define their entire identity around their pursuit of health and self-improvement. This can lead to an unbalanced lifestyle and a constant sense of inadequacy if they feel they are not meeting the ever-changing standards set by the wellness community.

While wellness culture can offer valuable tools for self-care and improved health, it's essential to approach it with a critical lens. Acknowledging the potentially harmful effects on mental health is vital to ensure a more balanced and mindful approach to well-being. As individuals, we should strive to embrace self-compassion, prioritize our mental health, and be cautious of falling into the traps of unrealistic expectations and toxic positivity. By promoting a more holistic understanding of wellness, we can create a healthier and more sustainable culture that uplifts and supports everyone's mental well-being.

Life Hack: REST

We often don’t realize how important sleep and rest are to our overall wellness until we aren’t getting enough of it. One in three adults in the US isn’t getting the rest they need which builds up more anxiety among those who fail to get enough sleep. The effects on our body of sleep deprivation can increase the severity of conditions like diabetes, hypertension, and obesity. New research has found that our pain threshold falls about 15 percent after just one night of insufficient rest. Sleep is an essential and healthy way for us all to “reset” our minds and bodies each night.

The Sleepy Signs

Do you find yourself yawning throughout the day? Have you noticed an increase in your moodiness, fatigue, irritability and/or depression? When we are sleep deprived we find it challenging to concentrate and often have a lack of motivation. Studies also show that an increase in our carb cravings and a decrease in our sex drive are signs that we aren’t getting the sleep we need.

Research suggests it should normally take about 10 to 20 minutes for us to drift off. Though if we find we’re thinking it's taking too long than it is, (and haven't we all been caught in that "I can't get to sleep... I have to get to sleep) loop?!  Essentially, the anxiety brought on by not sleeping is built by the anxiety of trying to get to sleep. This just builds and builds. It’s an unwanted, unproductive cycle.

Find a Routine

Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, developing a sleep routine schedule will enable you to get the zzz’s you need. Here’s a suggestion: Begin by making your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. No screens, gentle lighting and a comfortable atmosphere are all ideas I suggest to my clients. Going to bed at the same time each night will also help ease you into dreamland. 

You can find more ideas to assist your nighttime rituals in this article by Holly Pevzner in Psychology Today. This routine doesn’t have to be an every night occurrence, as an all or nothing approach can also build anxiety and we don’t want that! In my experience, developing a healthy rest habit will have a positive effect on almost every area of your life.

Mindfulness

The bedtime routine you build can also be helped by starting a meditation/mindfulness practice. In this article by Ed Halliwell, his words ring very true. “In mindfulness practice, we train in letting go of our stories about stress and pain, learn that thoughts are not facts, and watch sensations change from moment to moment.”  Essentially, that letting go can enable us to slip more readily into slumber. Rather than fighting the anxiety, thus building more on top of more anxious thoughts, we can reduce the stress and increase the much needed hours of sleep.

The positive domino effects of taking the time to settle our minds, ease the tense and stiff physical impact our day may have had on us, are countless. Mindfulness and getting enough sleep work in tandem to guide us into our more alert, well-rested and ready for whatever our day may bring us, selves!

As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here. 

Managing Holiday Expectations + Practicing Gratitude

*from the archives, circa December 2018

While I try to make it a habit to practice gratitude throughout the year, I find myself reflecting more on just how fortunate I am in my life and in my practice this time of year. Every day, I am fortunate enough to work with strong, brave, intelligent people as they work through the challenges that life presents. And while I would like to thank you - my wonderful community - for all of the support you’ve shared with me this year, I also want to acknowledge that the holidays can be a very difficult time for many people. Between end-of-year work deadlines, tight budgets, travel, and visits with family... the holidays can be physically and emotionally taxing on everyone.

This month, I’d like to offer a few ways you can be more mindful with your time this holiday season both at work and home.

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

It seems like everyone needs something during the holiday season. Whether it’s a demanding boss at work or a mother-in-law who insists on doing everything “her way,” it is easy to become overwhelmed by the number of things that are thrown at you.

This holiday season, though, the key to managing expectations is to be proactive and anticipate demands, deadlines, and requirements from colleagues, family, and friends alike.

At Work

If you’re feeling the stresses and pressures of year-end deadlines at work, you’re not alone. Since many companies (or clients) end their business year on December 31, there’s a scramble to get as much done in as little time as possible. That often means that you and your colleagues are left with all of the responsibility and little time for anything else.

If you’re starting to feel the mounting pressure, here are a few things that may help you to be proactive and manage work expectations.

• Ask for (in writing, if possible) all outstanding deliverables and their expected deadlines;

• Remind your supervisor/boss of any time off requests you’ve already submitted. If you are comfortable with them, ask them how the aforementioned deadlines can work around your schedule;

• If you plan on taking time off around the holidays, remind colleagues when your last day in the office will be. Gently remind them that if they need anything from you, they need to submit any requests by a specific date, which will give you enough time to complete the tasks. After all, no one wants to be working on their “time off!”

At Home

Managing expectations with family and friends are just as important to your holiday stress levels as they are with work.

If you find yourself hosting family or friends for the holidays this year, feel free to start thinking about menus/meals ahead of time. You’ll often find that with a little bit of forethought, you can whip of meals ahead of time and freeze them until the day you want to serve them. Doing so accomplishes two things: For one, it is less to worry about once family starts showing up on your doorstep; and secondly, it provides you more precious time to spend with loved ones while they’re in your home.

TAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF

With so much activity around the holidays, it’s easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle. But going 1000 miles an hour for days in a row is exhausting. That’s why it is so important to take a few moments each day to focus some time and thought on yourself.

Meditation

One effective way to take a “time out” during this busy time is to spend 5-10 minutes meditating. This could be early in the morning while the rest of the house is sleeping or at night when everyone is going to bed. Regardless, a few moments of solitude can do wonders for recharging your batteries before the start of another day or at the end of a long one.

Keeping Routines

If there are any routines you hold special in your daily life, hold onto them! Perhaps you find that a brisk morning jog or an afternoon yoga class is a great stress reliever. Don’t skip! If you’re afraid of being away from family or friends too long, invite them to join you. There’s a chance that they’re sacrificing their routines and an invitation to join you may be just what they need, too.

When you keep your routines intact, you’ll find that you’re not losing control of some of the activities you love or need, and holding onto those routines also manages expectations, too.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

Whenever you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or just plain tired this holiday season, I encourage you to take a step back and find something to be grateful for.

Practicing gratitude doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out process. In fact, some studies have linked the feeling of gratitude to an overall improved sense of well-being. (1)

If you can find the time and get into the habit, writing down what you’re grateful for is a nice way to reflect on some of the positive aspects of your life. It can be as simple as “It was a beautiful day today” or “Everyone complimented the dish I made.”

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

As this year draws to a close, I hope that some of these tips are helpful for you through the holiday season and into 2023.*

Wishing everyone a happy & healthy holiday!

[Sources]

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010965/

ADAPTING TO CHANGE

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
”

— Jelaluddin Rumi

In a world that is constantly evolving and changing, our ability to adapt can increase our chances of being successful in our careers, relationships, health and more.

In life, we will always experience unpleasant and uncomfortable things. Some of these things are within our control, while often times, others are not. Adaptability ensures that we stay afloat with things are to bring us down - allowing us to bounce back from inevitable failures.

And the more adaptability we show, the more confident we become. Instead of running away from challenges, discomfort, and change. We learn how to embrace them, befriend them, and use them for personal growth. Essentially, we build resiliency and grit. 

If we have a dream, a goal, a vision- We’re going to have to be relentless in our pursuits. We’re going to have to push through pain, fight with adversity, and challenge ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Becoming adaptable is essential in our pursuits.

Everyone has their owns struggles, weaknesses, and demons to fight. Those that come out on top practice being adaptable. 

BUT SOMETIMES WE SUCK AT ADAPTABILITY

Well, because it’s sort of hard isn’t it?

Adaptation often requires you to stop following the status quo, to get out of our comfort zones, and to break routines.

That comfort zone we’ve created, helps us to decrease stress, reduce anxiety, and keeps us from taking risks. In reality, it’s really not all bad. We need our comfort zone every once in a while. That Netflix series and chicken soup for the soul kind of night if you will. ☻

If you’re ok with living in your comfort zone for the rest of your life there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s safe and secure and it makes perfect sense that you would want to stay comfortable.

However, if you’re looking to continually grow, challenge yourself, and embrace some of the uncomfortable then I leave you with this:

It’s up to us to embrace the uncertainty that comes with stepping out of our comfort zones and adapting to the changes that are necessary to excel. To act without expectation is a driving force for becoming more adaptable in our lives. There is seldom a perfect outcome to any situation but we can create better experiences for ourselves by using the power of adaptability.

We’re constantly evolving. Let’s not fight that but instead; lean into the changes, experiences, and lessons that we’re learning daily.

The Importance of Boundaries

“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!

Set Boundaries

It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.

For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.

Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.

Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.

Make Healthy Choices

Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.

Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.

Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life.  Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.

Don’t Try to Change Everything at Once

Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.

If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!

So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out. 

When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.

I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?

When Productivity Is Toxic

While we are sheltering at home, I wonder what we are up to. Are we pushing ourselves to do more in our work/home lives? Have we made loaves of bread that would put bakers in France to shame? Have we taught ourselves a new language? Written a screenplay? Knitted booties for preemies? Redone the basement? If not, shouldn’t we be doing these things... and more?

The answer, to put it gently, is not at all. Setting goals for how we should be using all this “extra time” to check things off our to-do lists seems like something good, yet it can in fact become what I like to call “Toxic Productivity.”

Productivity is Bad?

It becomes toxic when it shuts us off from the things that we need in our lives. When work becomes all-encompassing to the point where nothing else matters, is a very strong red-light that we are overwhelming ourselves.

We may not even notice that our stay-at-home work ethic is unhealthy. Take a moment to assess. Are we forgetting or working through our need to eat, drink, sleep, or go to the bathroom?  

Our partner/family members may be telling us that we're “always working,” “never around” or “always on our phone.” What they mean is, "We miss you. We need you. Please spend time with us.” 

Shouldn’t We “Do More”?

It may seem counterintuitive to say so, but let’s think about productivity. Being a productive person is wonderful, when we are feeling great about it, and when we aren’t it can send us down a spiral of self-doubt and depression. When we expect more from ourselves than we can produce in a healthy way; this is the definition of  “Toxic Productivity”. You can find a more in-depth description and coping strategies here.  

We are absolutely in unprecedented times right now. Our homes have become our world, offices, daycare and schools for our children. Some of us are still working, some of us are trying to find things to do, and many of us, no matter what our situation, are feeling overwhelmed. 

Guess what? That means we are human. It’s ok to become more productive, just as it is ok to feel that you can’t do any more than you are. It’s human to feel stuck and unmotivated right now. And it’s even fine to take this time to breathe.

How to Get Unstuck

There is no one perfect way to get motivated. Our motivation cues differ, just as we do. We can try setting more realistic goals, taking timed breaks throughout the day to meditate, check-in with family and friends, to connect with others in the outside world. (Thanks to video conferencing we can see those we care about, even if we can’t be in the same place.) We’ve seen friends dancing, singing, reading more and all of these can be joyful pursuits that take us out of our slump.

The number one thing to remember is to treat ourselves as we would treat others. We empathize when our family and friends are overwhelmed, and we can do the same for the person we see in the mirror. It’s ok to take all morning to get out of your pj’s. It’s ok to not start or finish the reorganizing project. Let your friends do the sourdough baking (and hopefully they will safely share some with you) while you cheer them on.

It’s ok not to be uber productive. We all, at one time or another in this isolating time, will feel uncomfortable and unsure. We are all human and we are all in this together. 

Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed!  If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here. 

The Importance of Rest

We often don’t realize how important sleep and rest are to our overall wellness until we aren’t getting enough of it. One in three adults in the US isn’t getting the rest they need which builds up more anxiety among those who fail to get enough sleep. The effects on our body of sleep deprivation can increase the severity of conditions like diabetes, hypertension, and obesity. New research has found that our pain threshold falls about 15 percent after just one night of insufficient rest. Sleep is an essential and healthy way for us all to “reset” our minds and bodies each night.

The Sleepy Signs

Do you find yourself yawning throughout the day? Have you noticed an increase in your moodiness, fatigue, irritability and/or depression? When we are sleep deprived we find it challenging to concentrate and often have a lack of motivation. Studies also show that an increase in our carb cravings and a decrease in our sex drive are signs that we aren’t getting the sleep we need.

Research suggests it should normally take about 10 to 20 minutes for us to drift off. Though if we find we’re thinking it's taking too long than it is, (and haven't we all been caught in that "I can't get to sleep... I have to get to sleep) loop?!  Essentially, the anxiety brought on by not sleeping is built by the anxiety of trying to get to sleep. This just builds and builds. It’s an unwanted, unproductive cycle.

Find a Routine

Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, developing a sleep routine schedule will enable you to get the zzz’s you need. Here’s a suggestion: Begin by making your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. No screens, gentle lighting and a comfortable atmosphere are all ideas I suggest to my clients. Going to bed at the same time each night will also help ease you into dreamland. 

You can find more ideas to assist your nighttime rituals in this article by Holly Pevzner in Psychology Today. This routine doesn’t have to be an every night occurrence, as an all or nothing approach can also build anxiety and we don’t want that! In my experience, developing a healthy rest habit will have a positive effect on almost every area of your life.

Mindfulness

The bedtime routine you build can also be helped by starting a meditation/mindfulness practice. In this article by Ed Halliwell, his words ring very true. “In mindfulness practice, we train in letting go of our stories about stress and pain, learn that thoughts are not facts, and watch sensations change from moment to moment.”  Essentially, that letting go can enable us to slip more readily into slumber. Rather than fighting the anxiety, thus building more on top of more anxious thoughts, we can reduce the stress and increase the much needed hours of sleep.

The positive domino effects of taking the time to settle our minds, ease the tense and stiff physical impact our day may have had on us, are countless. Mindfulness and getting enough sleep work in tandem to guide us into our more alert, well-rested and ready for whatever our day may bring us, selves!

As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here.