The Importance of Boundaries

“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!

Set Boundaries

It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.

For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.

Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.

Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.

Make Healthy Choices

Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.

Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.

Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life.  Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.

Don’t Try to Change Everything at Once

Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.

If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!

So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out. 

When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.

I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?

Our Collective New Normal

“A​t such times the universe gets a little closer to us. They are strange times, times of beginnings and endings. Dangerous and powerful. And we feel it even if we don't know what it is. These times are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. In fact, what they are depends on what we are.​”

~T​erry Pratchett

Isolation, social distancing, stay at home orders and quarantines have become our “new normal.” The closing in of our physical world can bring about introspection, meditation and self improvement, in a perfect world of course. In reality however, this new reality- we are stressed, uncertain and anxious. There is no better time than now to become compassionate with ourselves so that we’re better able to support one another.

Looking In.

When we talk about “self-compassion” we are talking about treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend who we look in on if they are having a hard time. Instead of getting angry with them/ourselves when they/we are uncertain or struggling, we take the time to listen to what they/we are feeling.

It can be hard to imagine how this plays out for ourselves, so let’s think about it like this. Typically, one would check in on someone going through a divorce or loss, asking “How are you feeling? What can I do for you? Do you need anything?” Now let’s think of ourselves as that friend. We don’t get angry at them for feeling what they are feeling, and so we should feel the same way about ourselves. The feelings of anger and frustration at the current isolating situation are universal, and we can understand how others are feeling them. That makes it even more ok that we are feeling them, we have found our common humanity.

Self-compassion is a strong tool for building our own empathy and transforming our thoughts into positive affirmations. The transforming effects of this practice, which can give us the strength to strive in an overwhelming time, are delved into in more depth in this informative article from ​Mindful.org​.

Looking Out.

When we are taking space that is needed to recognize this is something others are struggling with, we can reach out for support. One of the most beautiful things we are seeing right now is the use of video conferencing and messaging on Zoom or Facebook Messenger- for family and friends to check in, catch up and assist one another through this challenging time.

Humans are social creatures, and isolation can be damaging to both our mental and physical health. When we are socially isolated our sleep and eating patterns can become disrupted. This can cause a snowball effect where we are more likely to feel depressed. By sharing with others in video chats, messaging and phone calls we can disrupt the disruption! We or others may have found ways of dealing with these issues that we then share with one another. Essentially, we build a support system for one another. It’s an excellent opportunity for a very beautiful thing in an extremely difficult time.

We Eat. We Drink. We Worry.

These disruptions are often manifested in our need to self soothe with food or alcohol in times of stress and overwhelming uncertainty. Many of us are worried that we are "running out" of food or "don’t have enough,” especially when we are told to only go out shopping when we need it. This goes against everything we are used to. Running to the store to grab a gallon of milk or pick up toilet paper is no longer a mindless activity.

Though it goes against that anxiety, we may often find ourselves also mindlessly snacking, mixing cocktails early in the day or overeating to bury that stress and anxiety. We don't have the coping skills in place to manage these feelings so we’re doing the best we can.

The best first step is to ADDRESS what the feeling is that's uncomfortable and work on THAT. (Usually this presents itself as anger, short temper, frustration with ourselves and/or our partner/kids.) Once the feeling is acknowledged and worked through, the urges to numb with food or alcohol will naturally drop off. This takes time and the most important piece is to offer yourself some grace during this process.

Let’s Talk About It.

Communication is at the root of all of this. Allowing ourselves to speak about our fears and anxiety is a step in the right direction. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are ​always​ allowed! ​If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found ​here​.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

Doesn’t the title of this blog post say it all? We can be certain of the uncertainty in all of our lives right now. Though it seems as if we will never be back to normal, there are things we can start to consider as our lives and the world begin to slowly open back up.

What’s being observed

In my practice, clients have opened up to me about many topics that are troubling them right now. Every day it seems that there is one crisis unfolding after another. The news and social media stories can overwhelm us and cause “emotional whiplash” as we careen from one topic to the next.

The widening societal divide has resulted in lifelong friendships ending due to differences in opinions and ideologies. The loss of these mainstays can result in grief and upheaval. The same can be said of strained family relationships. As we have isolated with or without our family members new challenges have arisen. Spending so much time together can cause stress and open ourselves up to toxic behaviors. Conversely, not being able to spend time with family due to the isolation protocols can cause us guilt and grief as we find ourselves unable to be there physically for one another.

More bleak news

With all of these added stressors and uncertainty, the world is seeing a rise in addictions. As dependencies do, they can manifest in many forms. For example overuse of food, alcohol, exercise and even staying busy to the point of exhaustion. There is also an increase in the use of low dose psychiatric medications like Xanax and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) antidepressants.

We are all finding ourselves having overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and fear in these very untypical times. Up has become down, and sideways, and, well any which ways, hasn’t it?

There is HOPE

One of the most spirited outcomes of this stressful and difficult time, is that most of my clients have felt the need to shut down, isolate and become focused on the basics. Their priority lists have morphed into taking care of self/ family/ kids. A deeper sense of what is truly important to us is starting to evolve.

An example of these priorities is known as “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs”.  The lowest, and most important level, is our Physiological Needs, like air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, and sleep.

Next is our Safety Needs, such as order, predictability, and control in our lives which have normally been fulfilled by our families, police, schools, business, and health care. This manifests in our emotional and financial security, law and order, freedom from fear, social stability, health, and wellbeing.

Then come our Love and Belongingness Needs, such as friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. As well as being a part of a group, whether that is family, friends, or work.

Esteem and Self-actualization Needs are the highest, and less important, levels in Maslow's hierarchy. From dignity, achievement, and independence to the desire for status and prestige. These upper areas have become less and less dominant as we concentrate on taking care of the basic steps for ourselves and our families. 

The Important Certainties

“There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about…(ourselves)... and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.”-Ash Beckham

We must remember that right now we are all going through something. It can be easy to do so, but take a moment to step back, as we deal with wearing masks, social distancing and the like, and remember to not take things personally. 

As I frequently say, be kind to yourself. Many of us feel as if we have lost touch with those who were once an integral part of our social network. We have not done anything wrong or bad, we are, like everyone else, simply dealing with life.

And if you find yourself over-using a vice to cope with feelings, it's ok - be gentle with yourself & that internal dialogue that seems to be getting louder for so many. The strongest thing we can do for ourselves and the world right now, is to offer extreme self-compassion.

More HOPE

If our anxiety and depression have become overwhelming to the point that it concerns us and those around us, there is a therapeutic approach I’ve been finding myself recommending for many of my clients right now. It’s called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and can be defined as “unique in its emphasis on mindfulness and dialectical thinking. Rather than only treating symptoms as problems to be solved, DBT places an equally important emphasis on acceptance of experiences as they are in this moment.” Find more in-depth information here.

FIRST and foremost, let's keep prioritizing our own self-care and then focusing on the needs of our families mental health. Everything else will eventually fall into place and there is always help available.

One of the largest networks of mental health professionals is right here in Orange County & we are seeing clients nationwide due to the recent expansion of telehealth guidelines. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of our situations with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. As I frequently say, all feelings are always allowed!  

If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here. 

When Productivity Is Toxic

While we are sheltering at home, I wonder what we are up to. Are we pushing ourselves to do more in our work/home lives? Have we made loaves of bread that would put bakers in France to shame? Have we taught ourselves a new language? Written a screenplay? Knitted booties for preemies? Redone the basement? If not, shouldn’t we be doing these things... and more?

The answer, to put it gently, is not at all. Setting goals for how we should be using all this “extra time” to check things off our to-do lists seems like something good, yet it can in fact become what I like to call “Toxic Productivity.”

Productivity is Bad?

It becomes toxic when it shuts us off from the things that we need in our lives. When work becomes all-encompassing to the point where nothing else matters, is a very strong red-light that we are overwhelming ourselves.

We may not even notice that our stay-at-home work ethic is unhealthy. Take a moment to assess. Are we forgetting or working through our need to eat, drink, sleep, or go to the bathroom?  

Our partner/family members may be telling us that we're “always working,” “never around” or “always on our phone.” What they mean is, "We miss you. We need you. Please spend time with us.” 

Shouldn’t We “Do More”?

It may seem counterintuitive to say so, but let’s think about productivity. Being a productive person is wonderful, when we are feeling great about it, and when we aren’t it can send us down a spiral of self-doubt and depression. When we expect more from ourselves than we can produce in a healthy way; this is the definition of  “Toxic Productivity”. You can find a more in-depth description and coping strategies here.  

We are absolutely in unprecedented times right now. Our homes have become our world, offices, daycare and schools for our children. Some of us are still working, some of us are trying to find things to do, and many of us, no matter what our situation, are feeling overwhelmed. 

Guess what? That means we are human. It’s ok to become more productive, just as it is ok to feel that you can’t do any more than you are. It’s human to feel stuck and unmotivated right now. And it’s even fine to take this time to breathe.

How to Get Unstuck

There is no one perfect way to get motivated. Our motivation cues differ, just as we do. We can try setting more realistic goals, taking timed breaks throughout the day to meditate, check-in with family and friends, to connect with others in the outside world. (Thanks to video conferencing we can see those we care about, even if we can’t be in the same place.) We’ve seen friends dancing, singing, reading more and all of these can be joyful pursuits that take us out of our slump.

The number one thing to remember is to treat ourselves as we would treat others. We empathize when our family and friends are overwhelmed, and we can do the same for the person we see in the mirror. It’s ok to take all morning to get out of your pj’s. It’s ok to not start or finish the reorganizing project. Let your friends do the sourdough baking (and hopefully they will safely share some with you) while you cheer them on.

It’s ok not to be uber productive. We all, at one time or another in this isolating time, will feel uncomfortable and unsure. We are all human and we are all in this together. 

Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed!  If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here.