The Importance of Boundaries

“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!

Set Boundaries

It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.

For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.

Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.

Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.

Make Healthy Choices

Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.

Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.

Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life.  Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.

Don’t Try to Change Everything at Once

Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.

If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!

So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out. 

When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.

I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?

Our Collective New Normal

“A​t such times the universe gets a little closer to us. They are strange times, times of beginnings and endings. Dangerous and powerful. And we feel it even if we don't know what it is. These times are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. In fact, what they are depends on what we are.​”

~T​erry Pratchett

Isolation, social distancing, stay at home orders and quarantines have become our “new normal.” The closing in of our physical world can bring about introspection, meditation and self improvement, in a perfect world of course. In reality however, this new reality- we are stressed, uncertain and anxious. There is no better time than now to become compassionate with ourselves so that we’re better able to support one another.

Looking In.

When we talk about “self-compassion” we are talking about treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend who we look in on if they are having a hard time. Instead of getting angry with them/ourselves when they/we are uncertain or struggling, we take the time to listen to what they/we are feeling.

It can be hard to imagine how this plays out for ourselves, so let’s think about it like this. Typically, one would check in on someone going through a divorce or loss, asking “How are you feeling? What can I do for you? Do you need anything?” Now let’s think of ourselves as that friend. We don’t get angry at them for feeling what they are feeling, and so we should feel the same way about ourselves. The feelings of anger and frustration at the current isolating situation are universal, and we can understand how others are feeling them. That makes it even more ok that we are feeling them, we have found our common humanity.

Self-compassion is a strong tool for building our own empathy and transforming our thoughts into positive affirmations. The transforming effects of this practice, which can give us the strength to strive in an overwhelming time, are delved into in more depth in this informative article from ​Mindful.org​.

Looking Out.

When we are taking space that is needed to recognize this is something others are struggling with, we can reach out for support. One of the most beautiful things we are seeing right now is the use of video conferencing and messaging on Zoom or Facebook Messenger- for family and friends to check in, catch up and assist one another through this challenging time.

Humans are social creatures, and isolation can be damaging to both our mental and physical health. When we are socially isolated our sleep and eating patterns can become disrupted. This can cause a snowball effect where we are more likely to feel depressed. By sharing with others in video chats, messaging and phone calls we can disrupt the disruption! We or others may have found ways of dealing with these issues that we then share with one another. Essentially, we build a support system for one another. It’s an excellent opportunity for a very beautiful thing in an extremely difficult time.

We Eat. We Drink. We Worry.

These disruptions are often manifested in our need to self soothe with food or alcohol in times of stress and overwhelming uncertainty. Many of us are worried that we are "running out" of food or "don’t have enough,” especially when we are told to only go out shopping when we need it. This goes against everything we are used to. Running to the store to grab a gallon of milk or pick up toilet paper is no longer a mindless activity.

Though it goes against that anxiety, we may often find ourselves also mindlessly snacking, mixing cocktails early in the day or overeating to bury that stress and anxiety. We don't have the coping skills in place to manage these feelings so we’re doing the best we can.

The best first step is to ADDRESS what the feeling is that's uncomfortable and work on THAT. (Usually this presents itself as anger, short temper, frustration with ourselves and/or our partner/kids.) Once the feeling is acknowledged and worked through, the urges to numb with food or alcohol will naturally drop off. This takes time and the most important piece is to offer yourself some grace during this process.

Let’s Talk About It.

Communication is at the root of all of this. Allowing ourselves to speak about our fears and anxiety is a step in the right direction. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are ​always​ allowed! ​If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out. All of my information can be found ​here​.

Make Mindfulness Fun

{This article was first published in Elephant Journal on July 11, 2017}

Since the original post, the world has shifted. It's now nearing the end of 2020 - with COVID taking up most of our year- and it's become crystal clear that it's time to take a look at ourselves and take responsibility for what is going on in our world. One child at a time, one family at a time, one community at a time, building toward a future in which we all feel safe and unafraid of one another. We must work together to educate our children and provide them with the necessary tools they will need for a successful future.

3 Tips to Make Mindfulness Fun for your Children.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Kids are like sponges—they absorb everything.”

When uttered, this phrase is typically used as a warning to parents or their guests: “Whatever you do, don’t mess up—the kids are watching!” One bad word and you’ve got an adorable three-year-old walking around saying something she shouldn’t to your in-laws.

Something that is often forgotten about the “kids are like sponges” sentiment, though, is that they also absorb good things.

As an adult, kids look up to you and watch to see how you react and interact with the world around you. In a time where kids and adults alike seem unable to separate from their screens, practicing mindfulness in your life, and showing your children how to be mindful, can have immeasurable benefits.

I often see kids in my practice who are anxious or who struggle with other cognitive hurdles, like ADHD. I have found that introducing kids to mindfulness exercises and games can help them immensely when they’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control.

Start with yourself.

Do you already practice mindfulness in your everyday life? If you do, that’s great: You’re one step closer to having a mindful child. Kids look to you for how to behave. So, if you don’t have your own mindfulness routine yet, start one. It can just be a few minutes a day, but getting into this habit will help you as you guide your child on their own path. There are tons of resources available online if you need a little boost to see how to start practicing mindfulness in your daily routine.

Mindfulness is fun!

People frequently come up to me and say that they’d love to teach their kids to be more mindful, but they have trouble getting them to stay still for 30 seconds. It’s something I’ve heard a million times and my answer is always the same: Make a game out of it! Kids love games, and games are a great way to introduce them to the concept of mindfulness.

Tip: Make sure the game is age-appropriate, and don’t worry about calling it a mindfulness game or not—it’s just a game that incorporates mindfulness. Consider taking a walk around the neighborhood, and devote 30-60 seconds to a “listening game.” What do they hear? Birds? Cars? The wind through the trees? A simple exercise like this can plant the seed in your kids to be more aware of the world around them.

Mindfulness is calming.

Right before bedtime is a great time to practice mindfulness with your kids. While they’re laying down, and after you’ve read them their story, guide them through an exercise that brings an awareness to their body: “Gently scrunch up your toes. Okay, now un-scrunch them. Feel the muscles in your legs. Feel them get heavier. Picture your belly and take a deep breath in. Now, breathe out.”

There are lots of body-awareness scripts available online, too, to help you get the hang of this one. The quiet of the house and your soothing voice make this a great time of day to pass along mindfulness to your kids.

Remember: mindfulness doesn’t happen overnight, and it is not a “cure” for an unruly or rebellious child. However, mindfulness is a tool that you can equip your child with that can serve her well for years to come. Simply being aware of our surroundings and how we fit into our environment is a step in the right direction.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

Doesn’t the title of this blog post say it all? We can be certain of the uncertainty in all of our lives right now. Though it seems as if we will never be back to normal, there are things we can start to consider as our lives and the world begin to slowly open back up.

What’s being observed

In my practice, clients have opened up to me about many topics that are troubling them right now. Every day it seems that there is one crisis unfolding after another. The news and social media stories can overwhelm us and cause “emotional whiplash” as we careen from one topic to the next.

The widening societal divide has resulted in lifelong friendships ending due to differences in opinions and ideologies. The loss of these mainstays can result in grief and upheaval. The same can be said of strained family relationships. As we have isolated with or without our family members new challenges have arisen. Spending so much time together can cause stress and open ourselves up to toxic behaviors. Conversely, not being able to spend time with family due to the isolation protocols can cause us guilt and grief as we find ourselves unable to be there physically for one another.

More bleak news

With all of these added stressors and uncertainty, the world is seeing a rise in addictions. As dependencies do, they can manifest in many forms. For example overuse of food, alcohol, exercise and even staying busy to the point of exhaustion. There is also an increase in the use of low dose psychiatric medications like Xanax and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) antidepressants.

We are all finding ourselves having overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and fear in these very untypical times. Up has become down, and sideways, and, well any which ways, hasn’t it?

There is HOPE

One of the most spirited outcomes of this stressful and difficult time, is that most of my clients have felt the need to shut down, isolate and become focused on the basics. Their priority lists have morphed into taking care of self/ family/ kids. A deeper sense of what is truly important to us is starting to evolve.

An example of these priorities is known as “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs”.  The lowest, and most important level, is our Physiological Needs, like air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, and sleep.

Next is our Safety Needs, such as order, predictability, and control in our lives which have normally been fulfilled by our families, police, schools, business, and health care. This manifests in our emotional and financial security, law and order, freedom from fear, social stability, health, and wellbeing.

Then come our Love and Belongingness Needs, such as friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. As well as being a part of a group, whether that is family, friends, or work.

Esteem and Self-actualization Needs are the highest, and less important, levels in Maslow's hierarchy. From dignity, achievement, and independence to the desire for status and prestige. These upper areas have become less and less dominant as we concentrate on taking care of the basic steps for ourselves and our families. 

The Important Certainties

“There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about…(ourselves)... and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.”-Ash Beckham

We must remember that right now we are all going through something. It can be easy to do so, but take a moment to step back, as we deal with wearing masks, social distancing and the like, and remember to not take things personally. 

As I frequently say, be kind to yourself. Many of us feel as if we have lost touch with those who were once an integral part of our social network. We have not done anything wrong or bad, we are, like everyone else, simply dealing with life.

And if you find yourself over-using a vice to cope with feelings, it's ok - be gentle with yourself & that internal dialogue that seems to be getting louder for so many. The strongest thing we can do for ourselves and the world right now, is to offer extreme self-compassion.

More HOPE

If our anxiety and depression have become overwhelming to the point that it concerns us and those around us, there is a therapeutic approach I’ve been finding myself recommending for many of my clients right now. It’s called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and can be defined as “unique in its emphasis on mindfulness and dialectical thinking. Rather than only treating symptoms as problems to be solved, DBT places an equally important emphasis on acceptance of experiences as they are in this moment.” Find more in-depth information here.

FIRST and foremost, let's keep prioritizing our own self-care and then focusing on the needs of our families mental health. Everything else will eventually fall into place and there is always help available.

One of the largest networks of mental health professionals is right here in Orange County & we are seeing clients nationwide due to the recent expansion of telehealth guidelines. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of our situations with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. As I frequently say, all feelings are always allowed!  

If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here. 

Teens and The Social Media Struggle

The Social Media Struggle with teens is REAL and is by far one of the biggest frustrations facing most parents I see in my practice. Let’s be frank, many of us adults are participants in the social media frenzy, as it has become an integral part of our lives and business’. Whether you are catching up with friends on Facebook, peddling your wares on Pinterest or loving the puppy pics on Instagram, 7 out of 10 of us are utilizing these platforms.

We Fear The Worst

As for our teenage children, we may fear the worst when it comes to their screen time.  This article here addresses how more time on social media is associated with depression, low self-esteem, body image issues, anxiety, social isolation, loneliness and perpetuates eating disorders and self-harm behaviors. 

The positive effects of social media have been found to be directly related to the social aspect. Teens can be current on what's going on in their social group and support one another, which is a plus. Yet when a teenager spends more than 3 hours a day of screen time on these platforms, the negative influences; like rumor spreading, lack of in-person contact, unrealistic views of others’ lives, peer pressure, and mental health issues have been shown to be the most degrading for our teen's mental health. 

Exploration and Direction

It’s important to keep in mind that teenagers want and need direction. We know that a normal part of the development of a teenager is a biologically driven need for exploration, which enables them to acquire experience to prepare them for the complex decisions they will be making when they get to adulthood. Setting boundaries and creating guidelines gives them the freedom to traverse the social media landscape while sustaining a more stable interaction. 

Tracking your Teen

Setting limits on your teenagers by tracking their social media time may seem hypocritical when you, the adult, are also utilizing the space. Yes, our brains should be stronger when it comes to social interactions and able to recognize the sliver of reality that the landscape represents. That isn’t always the truth though, is it? Facebook, Instagram and the like, often have us comparing ourselves negatively to others as we may feel that our lives are not as adventurous, exciting or romantic. 

Modeling Behavior

By modeling the limits on our own behaviors for our teenagers we can help them while also helping ourselves. Try setting social media time limits for all of you; as a family. Turn off phone notifications when you are home so you don’t feel triggered to check whenever you receive a new notification. You can also have “phone-free zones” like the kitchen or dining room. 

A nighttime social media curfew will give your teen a boundary that will ease their interaction anxiety. “Sorry, my parents won’t let me text after 10 pm” is an easier opt-out for them if they fear the pressure of their peers. You can find more ideas for easing you and your teen's time on social media here.

Moving Forward

As hard as it is for our teenagers to imagine the world we grew up in, without cell phone’s Facebook and Instagram; it’s just as hard for us adults to imagine our lives now, without them. Navigating a teenager through the social media landscape can be confusing and worrisome when these platforms are now such an inherent part of our lives.

As always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here. 

Children + Mindfulness

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Kids are like sponges: they absorb everything.” When uttered, this phrase is typically used as a warning to parents or their guests: “Whatever you do, don’t mess up...the kids are watching!” One errant bad word and you’ve got an adorable 3 year old walking around saying something she shouldn’t to your in-laws!

Something that is often forgotten about the “Kids are like sponges” sentiment, though, is that they also absorb good things. As an adult, kids look up to you and watch to see how you react and interact with the world around you. In a time where kids and adults alike seem unable to separate from their screens, practicing mindfulness in your life, and showing your children how to be mindful, can have immeasurable benefits.

I often see kids in my practice who are anxious or who struggle with other cognitive hurdles like ADHD. I have found that introducing kids to mindfulness exercises and games can help them immensely when they’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control. Below, I review some of the common advice I give children and their parents on how they can be more mindful every day.

Start With Yourself

Do you already practice mindfulness in your everyday life? If you do, that’s great: you’re one step closer to having a mindful child. Remember: Kids are like sponges, and they look to you for how to behave. So, if you don’t have your own mindfulness routine yet, start one. It can just be a few minutes a day, but getting into this habit will help you as you guide your child on their own path. There are tons of resources available online if you need a little boost to see how to start practicing mindfulness in your daily routine.

Mindfulness is FUN!

People frequently come up to me and say that they’d love to teach their kids to be more mindful, but they have trouble getting them to stay still for 30 seconds...it's something I’ve heard a million times and my answer is always the same: Make a game out of it! Kids love games, and games are a great way to introduce them to the concept of mindfulness.

Tip: Make sure the game is age-appropriate, and don’t worry about calling it a mindfulness game or not...it's just a game that incorporates mindfulness. Consider taking a walk around the neighborhood, and devote 30-60 seconds to a Listening Game. What do they hear? Birds? Cars? The wind through the trees? A simple exercise like this can plant the seed in your kids to be more aware of the world around them. 

Mindfulness is Calming

Right before bedtime is a great time to practice mindfulness with your kids. While they’re laying down, and after you’ve read them their story, guide them through an exercise that brings an awareness to their body. “Gently scrunch up your toes. Okay, now un-scrunch them. Feel the muscles in your legs. Feel them get heavier. Picture your belly and take a deep breath in. Now, breathe out.” There are lots of body-awareness scripts available online, too, to help you get the hang of this one. The quiet of the house and your soothing voice make this a great time of day to pass along mindfulness to your kids.

Remember: mindfulness doesn’t happen overnight, and it is not a “cure” for an unruly or rebellious child. However, mindfulness is a tool that you can equip your child with that can serve her well for years to come. Simply being aware of our surroundings and how we fit into our environment is a step in the right direction.

Mom Guilt

One of the most common themes I see in my practice these days is Mom guilt. What is Mom guilt you might ask? While there is no specific medical definition for mom guilt- what I see is more of an underlying feeling that “I’m not doing enough” or “I need to be doing more.” Along with these emotions are feelings of uneasiness and low sense of self in doing activities exclusively for one’s children, or not doing enough for them in everyday life. While it is very unlikely that either of those situations is actually happening, the feelings a Mom may have are very, very real.

Mom guilt comes in many forms and our modern day, social media-fixated society can help further this guilt. How so? Mom’s are constantly on the go and sometimes the only moments of downtime are spent scrolling through phones. A quick run through of Facebook and Instagram feeds can be helpful for Mom’s to feel connected- However, these same feeds also bombard Mom’s with an overwhelming feeling they must live up to these unrealistic standards. There are pictures of perfectly kempt children in matching spotless monogrammed outfits; a selfie of a forty-something mother of three with a bouncing blowout, impeccably trendy outfit and not a fine line in sight. These images are simply a peek into the perfectionism that is thrust upon our culture and the unachievable standards mothers often hold themselves to.

So… How can you deal? Below, I will offer 5 steps to help you cope with Mom Guilt.

Step one. Surround yourself with people who empower you

Seek out and be amongst those who support you, empower you and engage with you in a healthful way. Create a group of friends who will help you when you’re down, remind you of how amazing you are, and be there to lean on in times of distress.   Reach out to other mothers and girlfriends; foster those relationships. Communicate with your spouse and express what you need. Feeling connected to others, can help improve feelings toward oneself. 

Step two. Forgo comparing and develop compassion 

It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other mothers, particularly when they may seem as if they have it all together and are doing it all perfectly. Appearances are just that: appearances. Remember, what you see is not always what you get. Comparing yourself to another fuels insecurity and insecurity can breed guilt. Sometimes it is as simple as avoiding interactions with those who can cause you to feel insecure. It is important to develop the confidence and strength not to engage with people who may make you feel inadequate. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

Step three. Detach from technology

Studies have shown that technology affects us in many ways, from our sleep patterns, to physical ailments and emotional responses. Put the phone, the computer and the iPad down. Turn off the television. Be present in the moment without technology. Technology provides us with social media, which in turn can drive unwarranted comparisons of oneself to another as mentioned above. Take time to engage with your children, your friends, your partner and just be. Not only is this good for the mind and body, but also for the soul. Be mindful of what you are putting in front of your face and your brain.

Step four. Learn to take time for yourself

It is possible to learn how to take time for yourself! Start by taking five minutes each day and do something for you, whether it be meditating or something as simple as taking a hot shower with the door closed (a nearly impossible task for many moms!) Each week, add five minutes to the amount of time for you: 10 then 15, 20 and so on. Use this time to go for a walk, treat yourself to a manicure, go to the mall, take a yoga class, anything that makes you feel happy. As you go on with this routine, it will slowly help ease the guilt that comes with spending time with an on yourself.

Step five. Listen to your intuition 

A patient of mine recently told me a story of a girls’ trip she took with a group of friends after the birth of her second child. It was her first trip away from her children and after a day away, several hours of crying, anxiety and guilt she chose to leave the trip early and return home. Sometimes your guilt can get the best of you and sometimes it is there for a reason. Maybe you aren’t ready to leave your children just yet. Maybe you need some alone time for yourself and friends, but for a limited window of time. Maybe you just need to be with your children. We have intuition and instincts for a reason. When in doubt, listen to your gut. If your guilt is driving you to a place of complete emotional reaction, explore the reasons why and do what you feel is best for you.