Listening: You Think You’re Doing It. You’re Probably Not

Why Active Listening Matters More Than We Think
And why it’s the skill most people think they already have… but don’t.

“Most conflict isn’t about disagreement—it’s about not feeling heard.” — Shelby Castile, LMFT

Most people believe they’re good listeners. Most people are also… not.

After 20+ years as a psychotherapist, I can confidently say this: active listening is one of the most underrated relationship skills there is. It changes marriages, helps parents actually hear their kids, and often determines whether conversations create connection—or quietly erode it.

And no, waiting for your turn to talk does not count.
Neither does listening while mentally preparing your rebuttal.

If those worked, I’d be out of a job. I am very much not out of a job.

With the holidays here, many of us are spending more time in close quarters—with family, partners, in-laws, old dynamics, and familiar triggers. Translation: this skill matters even more right now.

Let’s break it down.

What Active Listening Actually Is

Active listening isn’t passive. It’s engaged. It’s regulated. It’s choosing presence over performance.

True active listening includes:

  • Putting your agenda down long enough to hear theirs

  • Reflecting back what you heard so they know you understood

  • Clarifying without attacking (“Help me understand…” vs. “Why would you do that?”)

  • Staying emotionally regulated—even when something lands hard

  • Responding thoughtfully, not reactively

People feel understood not because you agree with everything they say, but because you’re actually with them. That’s the moment relationships shift.

Why Active Listening Feels So Hard

Because most of us were never taught how to do it.

We were taught how to argue, defend, stay composed, be right, and move fast. Listening—real listening—was not the priority.

For perfectionists (hello, I see you), listening can feel like:

  • A test you need to pass

  • A moment you have to “get right”

  • Proof that conflict means failure

For anxious folks, listening often triggers fix-it mode—jump in, smooth it over, solve it fast so the discomfort goes away.

Active listening asks you to slow your pace, regulate your nervous system, and stay curious. Those are not our default settings—especially during the holidays when stress, expectations, and old family roles show up uninvited. But the payoff is big.

“When people feel heard, they soften. That’s where change begins.” —Shelby Castile, LMFT

Why This Matters Especially During the Holidays ❄️

When you’re spending time with people who know exactly how to push your buttons (sometimes without even trying), active listening becomes less about being “nice” and more about staying grounded.

This isn’t about agreeing with everything Uncle Jim says at the dinner table. It’s about:

  • Not escalating when you feel triggered

  • Letting conversations land without immediately defending

  • Choosing connection over control

  • Remembering you don’t have to win the conversation to protect yourself

Sometimes the most powerful move is simply:

“I hear what you’re saying.”

What Happens When You Start Using Active Listening

Here’s what I see in the therapy room—every week:

  • People calm down

  • Arguments stay grounded

  • Defensiveness drops

  • Kids open up

  • Partners feel closer

  • Misunderstandings shrink

  • The same fight stops looping on repeat

When someone feels understood, they soften. And when they soften, everything gets easier.

A Personal Perspective

I’ve watched couples move from the edge of separation back into connection—not because they suddenly agreed on everything, but because they learned how to slow down and truly hear one another.

Listening isn’t flashy. It doesn’t get applause. But it is quietly life-changing.

And here’s the truth most people don’t love hearing: this skill is hard to build alone. Patterns run deep. Reactivity is fast. Old habits are efficient. That’s where therapy helps—by slowing things down enough to notice what’s actually happening.

If You Want to Improve Your Communication

Whether you’re working on:

  • relationships

  • parenting

  • boundaries

  • perfectionism and anxiety

  • or breaking the habit of reacting instead of responding

“Sometimes the most meaningful holiday gift isn’t peace and quiet—it’s learning how to truly listen.”
— Shelby Castile, LMFT

Therapy gives you tools that actually translate into real-life conversations—at home, at work, and yes, around the holiday table.

Want support?

I’d love to help. I’m Shelby— a Licensed Psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience. ♡

I specialize in working with:

  • driven adults

  • perfectionists

  • anxiety

  • grief

  • relationship issues

  • couples wanting to reconnect

  • people ready to break long-standing patterns

I offer:

  • Telehealth throughout California

  • In-person sessions in Newport Beach

  • A warm, straightforward, evidence-based approach

  • EMDR, DBT, mindfulness, and honest feedback (always)

If you’re tired of having the same conversations—or the same arguments—in your head or in your relationships, reach out today.

I'm Ready
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