The Importance of Boundaries

“Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

From time to time, and especially as of late; we all get the dreaded feeling that there just isn’t enough time to do everything we need to do, let alone squeeze in a few of the things we want to do. Between demands on our time from work, kids, kids’ events, spouses, and countless other activities that vie for our attention, it is easy to get so bogged down to the point where you feel overwhelmed to the point of drowning. Part of it is surely our culture. After all, we live in a society where the appropriate response to “How’s it going?” is “Oh, I am so busy.” So many people wear it as a badge of honor sometimes, but at what cost? In this post, we’ll explore a few ideas that can help you take back control of your life and your time and hopefully return some of your sanity back, too!

Set Boundaries

It sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. What sort of boundaries am I talking about? Here, I’m referring to personal boundaries; the ones that are often hardest to bring up but that have a significant impact on your mental health and well-being.

For example, do you hate attending holiday functions with your family, because someone always brings up how impressive and accomplished one of your siblings is? Or perhaps someone in the family leaves you feeling guilty that you don’t visit as much as you used to. Any variation of these can leave us feeling depressed and despondent. However, there is a way to overcome those anxieties: set boundaries.

Whether it is the dreaded family holiday get-together or something else entirely that you dread doing, try and level-set with whomever you’re visiting and tell them what is and is not okay tobring up, talk about, or share while you’re there. These are difficult conversations to have, especially with loved ones (the same rules apply for workplace functions, too), but until you express your feelings, no one may know their behavior is negatively affecting you.

Self-awareness is a major aspect of setting boundaries. After all, in order to set them, you need to know what they are. When you have clearly communicated your boundaries to those who need to be made aware, that is just the first step. If someone violates your boundaries after you’ve set them, it is equally as important to be assertive and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Whenever possible, seek the support and guidance of others whom you respect and can count on to be there for you.

Make Healthy Choices

Healthy minds and healthy bodies are key ingredients to regaining control in your life. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, though, it can be difficult to find time to head to the gym or take time to just focus on your thoughts without distraction. However, achieving a healthy mind and body doesn’t require giant time commitments, and the results will serve you well all year long.

Moving our bodies in deliberate, thoughtful ways helps connect our bodies to our minds. One great way to do this is through practicing yoga. Yoga includes physical movement, breathing exercises, and promotes an awareness of Self that other workouts simply don’t give you. By bridging the physical to the emotional and even spiritual, yoga allows your body to relax and move while calming your mind and putting you back in the driver’s seat and regaining control.

Mindfulness is another great way to regain control and balance in your life. It is also very much in line with the practice of yoga. There are a lot of great benefits associated with mindfulness, namely the ability to become fully present, aware of ourselves and our surroundings, and become more reflective and less reactive to the world around us. You can incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a number of ways. One of the easiest ways to start is to focus on your breathing. Since breathing is so integral to everything in our lives, deliberate concentration on breathing in and out can put your mind and body at ease, leaving you with a feeling of more control in your daily life.  Breathing is just one exercise of many, so this appeals to you, I encourage you to further your research and find more mindfulness routines that suit you.

Don’t Try to Change Everything at Once

Old habits die hard, and breaking out of them is difficult to say the least. Generally speaking, research suggests that it takes about 21 days of consistent patterns and action for something to become habit. That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful about how we’re adopting these changes into our life.

If the goal is for us to feel less stressed and less overwhelmed, what sense is there in trying to fix everything at once? That sounds stressful!

So, be mindful about creating boundaries, eating right, and getting exercise. These changes don’t have to be enormous, either. If you’re looking for an easy addition to your daily routine that is incredibly helpful, try simple breathing exercises.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or stressed, try to pinpoint what specific things in your life that are the source of the stress. Then, close your eyes and simply focus on your breathing: Gentle inhale through your nostrils, gentle exhale through your mouth. Repeat. In. And out. In. And out. 

When you complete this exercise, your head will be in a much better place to approach your stresses rationally and head on. You’ll be amazed at how satisfying regaining control with a few simple breathing exercises can be.

I would love to hear from you! What do you do in your daily life to help reduce stress and not feel incredibly overwhelmed all the time?

Make Mindfulness Fun

{This article was first published in Elephant Journal on July 11, 2017}

Since the original post, the world has shifted. It's now nearing the end of 2020 - with COVID taking up most of our year- and it's become crystal clear that it's time to take a look at ourselves and take responsibility for what is going on in our world. One child at a time, one family at a time, one community at a time, building toward a future in which we all feel safe and unafraid of one another. We must work together to educate our children and provide them with the necessary tools they will need for a successful future.

3 Tips to Make Mindfulness Fun for your Children.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Kids are like sponges—they absorb everything.”

When uttered, this phrase is typically used as a warning to parents or their guests: “Whatever you do, don’t mess up—the kids are watching!” One bad word and you’ve got an adorable three-year-old walking around saying something she shouldn’t to your in-laws.

Something that is often forgotten about the “kids are like sponges” sentiment, though, is that they also absorb good things.

As an adult, kids look up to you and watch to see how you react and interact with the world around you. In a time where kids and adults alike seem unable to separate from their screens, practicing mindfulness in your life, and showing your children how to be mindful, can have immeasurable benefits.

I often see kids in my practice who are anxious or who struggle with other cognitive hurdles, like ADHD. I have found that introducing kids to mindfulness exercises and games can help them immensely when they’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control.

Start with yourself.

Do you already practice mindfulness in your everyday life? If you do, that’s great: You’re one step closer to having a mindful child. Kids look to you for how to behave. So, if you don’t have your own mindfulness routine yet, start one. It can just be a few minutes a day, but getting into this habit will help you as you guide your child on their own path. There are tons of resources available online if you need a little boost to see how to start practicing mindfulness in your daily routine.

Mindfulness is fun!

People frequently come up to me and say that they’d love to teach their kids to be more mindful, but they have trouble getting them to stay still for 30 seconds. It’s something I’ve heard a million times and my answer is always the same: Make a game out of it! Kids love games, and games are a great way to introduce them to the concept of mindfulness.

Tip: Make sure the game is age-appropriate, and don’t worry about calling it a mindfulness game or not—it’s just a game that incorporates mindfulness. Consider taking a walk around the neighborhood, and devote 30-60 seconds to a “listening game.” What do they hear? Birds? Cars? The wind through the trees? A simple exercise like this can plant the seed in your kids to be more aware of the world around them.

Mindfulness is calming.

Right before bedtime is a great time to practice mindfulness with your kids. While they’re laying down, and after you’ve read them their story, guide them through an exercise that brings an awareness to their body: “Gently scrunch up your toes. Okay, now un-scrunch them. Feel the muscles in your legs. Feel them get heavier. Picture your belly and take a deep breath in. Now, breathe out.”

There are lots of body-awareness scripts available online, too, to help you get the hang of this one. The quiet of the house and your soothing voice make this a great time of day to pass along mindfulness to your kids.

Remember: mindfulness doesn’t happen overnight, and it is not a “cure” for an unruly or rebellious child. However, mindfulness is a tool that you can equip your child with that can serve her well for years to come. Simply being aware of our surroundings and how we fit into our environment is a step in the right direction.

The Certainty of Uncertainty

Doesn’t the title of this blog post say it all? We can be certain of the uncertainty in all of our lives right now. Though it seems as if we will never be back to normal, there are things we can start to consider as our lives and the world begin to slowly open back up.

What’s being observed

In my practice, clients have opened up to me about many topics that are troubling them right now. Every day it seems that there is one crisis unfolding after another. The news and social media stories can overwhelm us and cause “emotional whiplash” as we careen from one topic to the next.

The widening societal divide has resulted in lifelong friendships ending due to differences in opinions and ideologies. The loss of these mainstays can result in grief and upheaval. The same can be said of strained family relationships. As we have isolated with or without our family members new challenges have arisen. Spending so much time together can cause stress and open ourselves up to toxic behaviors. Conversely, not being able to spend time with family due to the isolation protocols can cause us guilt and grief as we find ourselves unable to be there physically for one another.

More bleak news

With all of these added stressors and uncertainty, the world is seeing a rise in addictions. As dependencies do, they can manifest in many forms. For example overuse of food, alcohol, exercise and even staying busy to the point of exhaustion. There is also an increase in the use of low dose psychiatric medications like Xanax and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) antidepressants.

We are all finding ourselves having overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and fear in these very untypical times. Up has become down, and sideways, and, well any which ways, hasn’t it?

There is HOPE

One of the most spirited outcomes of this stressful and difficult time, is that most of my clients have felt the need to shut down, isolate and become focused on the basics. Their priority lists have morphed into taking care of self/ family/ kids. A deeper sense of what is truly important to us is starting to evolve.

An example of these priorities is known as “Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs”.  The lowest, and most important level, is our Physiological Needs, like air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, and sleep.

Next is our Safety Needs, such as order, predictability, and control in our lives which have normally been fulfilled by our families, police, schools, business, and health care. This manifests in our emotional and financial security, law and order, freedom from fear, social stability, health, and wellbeing.

Then come our Love and Belongingness Needs, such as friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. As well as being a part of a group, whether that is family, friends, or work.

Esteem and Self-actualization Needs are the highest, and less important, levels in Maslow's hierarchy. From dignity, achievement, and independence to the desire for status and prestige. These upper areas have become less and less dominant as we concentrate on taking care of the basic steps for ourselves and our families. 

The Important Certainties

“There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about…(ourselves)... and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.”-Ash Beckham

We must remember that right now we are all going through something. It can be easy to do so, but take a moment to step back, as we deal with wearing masks, social distancing and the like, and remember to not take things personally. 

As I frequently say, be kind to yourself. Many of us feel as if we have lost touch with those who were once an integral part of our social network. We have not done anything wrong or bad, we are, like everyone else, simply dealing with life.

And if you find yourself over-using a vice to cope with feelings, it's ok - be gentle with yourself & that internal dialogue that seems to be getting louder for so many. The strongest thing we can do for ourselves and the world right now, is to offer extreme self-compassion.

More HOPE

If our anxiety and depression have become overwhelming to the point that it concerns us and those around us, there is a therapeutic approach I’ve been finding myself recommending for many of my clients right now. It’s called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and can be defined as “unique in its emphasis on mindfulness and dialectical thinking. Rather than only treating symptoms as problems to be solved, DBT places an equally important emphasis on acceptance of experiences as they are in this moment.” Find more in-depth information here.

FIRST and foremost, let's keep prioritizing our own self-care and then focusing on the needs of our families mental health. Everything else will eventually fall into place and there is always help available.

One of the largest networks of mental health professionals is right here in Orange County & we are seeing clients nationwide due to the recent expansion of telehealth guidelines. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of our situations with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. As I frequently say, all feelings are always allowed!  

If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here. 

Waking Up

This article was originally published on July 31, 2018, on TherapyRoute.com.

This winter was very difficult for a lot of us. The cultural climate of constant conflict and discord has left many of us feeling emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, drained. It is so important that we take the time to invite this new Spring season into our lives, and welcome a much needed, and refreshing, change.

Over these past few months, I have observed many of my clients going through a big shift, and they can feel themselves coming out of a life-hibernation. Many are sharing that they feel as though they are suddenly acutely aware of their potential, power, and worth. Wonderful right? Except for many people, this time of inner revolution can feel a bit overwhelming and scary. Often, as we begin to move into our highest selves, there are multiple layers of complex narratives that bubble to the surface.

It’s a process, a tapestry of tales and experiences, stitched together to form a renewed sense of Self. There are things we can do along each step of the way to empower our fierce truths, enliven our bravery and decrease any discomfort that may come up. You will absolutely come out of the process feeling stronger and better than ever before, you just may need support along the way.

Here are some tips and tools for when you feel yourself, bravely, waking-up:

1. Often times, when we recognize things that we hadn’t before, we initially wish we could go back to a time when we didn’t know. I think a lot of this is rooted in fear of the unknown. We mistakenly believe that this new awareness will diminish our sense of safety, security and predictability, so, rather than cradle our newfound truth, we try to throw it away and ignore it. If you find yourself in this place, I invite you to write it down. Write down the new calling/dream/truth/goal in a journal or a place that feels safe to you.

Even if you don’t want to do anything about it, just give it a space to live outside of your body/mind/spirit. “Ok, truth. I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge you. I might not do anything about it right now, and I might wish you were never here, but I thank you for stopping by”. As you allow yourself to write about it you will begin to notice an evolution of your feelings.

Set aside 5-10 minutes of your day to ask yourself important questions like, “What if I allow this truth to be true? What if I don’t have to do anything about it just yet, but I can just try it on for size? What would it look like if I leaned into this newness? What am I, actually, afraid of?” To use a favorite analogy from Sue Monk Kidd, once we are stung by a symbolic bee, we cannot be unstung. Write it out and you’ll find your way.

2. As you begin to stand in your new sense of power, you may feel an unexpected guest arrive: Anger (with a capital A). I’ve seen this so much lately, especially after the election. While we are very often told that anger is a foe, I believe it is actually a friend, trying to tell us very important information. As we wake-up we may start to feel less tolerant of people mistreating us; we may begin to question the motives of those we’d previously accepted without question; we may start to feel a deep, primal rage simmering while we re-examine our society and our history.

This is when I highly recommend seeking the help and guidance of others. Perhaps you schedule an extra appointment with a therapist, or maybe you have a trusted mentor in your life to turn to. Either way, it is so important that you talk through the anger and explore its messages, before quickly reacting and potentially doing things you might regret. Anger is trying to deliver messages to us, but if we make rash decisions in its grasp, we very possibly miss the incredible gifts it has buried within. It’s not about making the anger go away, it’s about embracing it and then excavating for important artifacts. Using it as a tool rather than a weapon. We must take the time to work with our rage, knowing you owned it, not the other way around.

3. Right after the election, I found myself with numerous clients struggling with suddenly severed relationships. Many experienced breaks in family ties and shared about dissolved friendships. The first thing I want to ensure everyone is that they are not alone. While we may feel temporarily isolated or displaced, and begin to blame ourselves entirely, it is so critical that we grant ourselves some serious self-compassion. As we leave the shores of the familiar and chart a course for new, unknown, lands, we can sometimes lose our bearings for a bit.

We feel proud of our new strength and knowledge, but, at the same exact time, we might be met with unexpected longings for our previous routines, patterns, and relationships, even if they were toxic. When we are in these in-between spaces, it is important to start seeking out supportive friends and relationships that nurture your transformation. It is also critical to practice massive amounts of self-care. Some examples that always help: Going for long walks, finding a good book at the library, taking a bubble bath each night, getting a massage, practicing yoga a few times a week, sitting alone in nature, repeating positive affirmations, getting plenty of sleep, eating lots of grounding vegetables and fresh fruits, drinking plenty of water, and taking time to journal. You are not alone, and you will feel whole once again.

As you enter Spring this year, remember that it may not always be easy, just like the butterfly struggling to emerge from her cocoon or a new flower pushing mightily through the thick winter mud, but it is, without question, always worth it.

As you hear the songbirds begin to sing outside again, remember to use these tools to keep yourself centered and courageous. There is big work to be done in this world, and we need you to be your best self, now, more than ever before.

Culitvating Our Relationships

“At such times the universe gets a little closer to us. They are strange times, times of beginnings and endings. Dangerous and powerful. And we feel it even if we don't know what it is. These times are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. In fact, what they are depends on what *we* are.”-Terry Pratchett

Isolation, social distancing, stay at home orders and quarantines have become our “new normal.” The closing in of our physical world can bring about introspection, meditation and self-improvement, in a perfect world of course. In reality however, this new reality- we are stressed, uncertain and anxious. There is no better time than now to become compassionate with ourselves so that we’re better able to support one another.

Looking In

When we talk about “self-compassion” we are talking about treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend who we look in on if they are having a hard time. Instead of getting angry with them/ourselves when they/we are uncertain or struggling, we take the time to listen to what they/we are feeling. 

It can be hard to imagine how this plays out for ourselves, so let’s think about it like this. Typically, one would check in on someone going through a divorce or loss, asking “How are you feeling? What can I do for you? Do you need anything?” Now let’s think of ourselves as that friend. We don’t get angry at them for feeling what they are feeling, and so we should feel the same way about ourselves. The feelings of anger and frustration at the current isolating situation are universal, and we can understand how others are feeling them. That makes it even more ok that we are feeling them, we have found our common humanity. 

Self-compassion is a strong tool for building our own empathy and transforming our thoughts into positive affirmations. The transforming effects of this practice, which can give us the strength to strive in an overwhelming time, are delved into in more depth in this informative article from Mindful.org.

Looking Out

When we are taking space that is needed to recognize this is something others are struggling with, we can reach out for support.  One of the most beautiful things we are seeing right now is the use of video conferencing and messaging on Zoom or Facebook Messenger- for family and friends to check in, catch up and assist one another through this challenging time.

Humans are social creatures, and isolation can be damaging to both our mental and physical health. When we are socially isolated our sleep and eating patterns can become disrupted. This can cause a snowball effect where we are more likely to feel depressed. By sharing with others in video chats, messaging and phone calls we can disrupt the disruption! We or others may have found ways of dealing with these issues that we then share with one another. Essentially, we build a support system for one another. It’s an excellent opportunity for a very beautiful thing in an extremely difficult time.

We Eat We Drink We Worry

These disruptions are often manifested in our need to self soothe with food or alcohol in times of stress and overwhelming uncertainty. Many of us are worried that we are "running out" of food or "don’t have enough,” especially when we are told to only go out shopping when we need it. This goes against everything we are used to. Running to the store to grab a gallon of milk or pick up toilet paper is no longer a mindless activity. 

Though it goes against that anxiety, we may often find ourselves also mindlessly snacking, mixing cocktails early in the day or overeating to bury that stress and anxiety. We don't have the coping skills in place to manage these feelings so we’re doing the best we can.

The best first step is to ADDRESS what the feeling is that's uncomfortable and work on THAT. (Usually this presents itself as anger, short temper, frustration with ourselves and/or our partner/kids.) Once the feeling is acknowledged and worked through, the urges to numb with food or alcohol will naturally drop off.  This takes time and the most important piece is to offer yourself some grace during this process. 

Let’s Talk About It

Communication is at the root of all of this. Allowing ourselves to speak about our fears and anxiety is a step in the right direction. Reaching out and communicating the positives and negatives of the situation with others brings us all closer together in this time of isolation. All feelings are always allowed!  If I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  All of my information can be found here. 

The Holiday Crash

It’s a new year! That means the holiday rush is over and the post-holiday crash is upon us. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season can bring a whole host of emotions to our lives. Family relations, parties, gift shopping and gift-giving are just some of the holiday pressures that build up the tension we may feel throughout the season. Let’s also not forget the stress that the seasonal menus may bring, whether it’s over/emotional eating, drinking more alcohol, or eating heavier and sweeter foods than we are used to. It all adds up to a tsunami of stress.

The Letdown

While we may have been able to charge through the season, flying on the fuel of parties, drinks, family, and get-togethers; our minds and bodies can only take so much of that merry-making before they break down. Our sleep patterns can become disrupted, our diets stretch far from the norm, and the social interactions can be emotionally draining. 

January has become known as the month to re-set. Resetting our exercise and food goals can be enormously impacted by also resetting our mindset.

Permission to be Selfish

Take a deep breath and let’s think about it.  After this season of giving, taking some time to give back to ourselves is perhaps a good idea. By beginning the new year in a positive way, we’ll be better prepared for whatever the ensuing months bring us. We should have the time now for getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising regularly and even meditation.  FYI- all of these helpful tips were in December’s blog.) 

If you’re looking to make that time for self-care and find a more in-depth list of different ways to restore and re-energize; this article from Diane Roberts Stoler Ed.D. is very helpful!

Let’s Meditate On It

Most people know I’m a big believer in the power of meditation.  There are many positive effects of having a consistent meditation practice. Studies have shown that meditation can stimulate areas of the brain that may help control emotional reaction, attention and decreased blood levels of interleukin-6, which is associated with inflammatory disease risk. Meditation also improves physical and emotional health, enhances sleep, can bring about better health-related habits and behaviors, and more self-compassion. Through these studies, we have learned that meditation is a simple, scientifically validated exercise for your brain that enables you to put space between you and your emotions.  Let that sink in.

One popular way of testing the “meditation waters” is to utilize a Meditation App like headspace. They gently guide you through mind settling exercises on your own schedule. The way they explain how a meditation practice helps reduce stress is “the drip, drip, drip effect of stress actually reshapes the structure and neural pathways of our brain — a process called neuroplasticity. In other words, the brain gets reprogrammed by the experiences it is continually subjected to. And that’s where meditation comes in.” January isn’t only for physical exercise reboot, it can also be our way to exercise our brains.

Starting the year off with intentional physical, mental and emotional practices will bring a Happy New Year to all of us.  Basically, when we take care of ourselves, everyone around us benefits. It’s a win/win.

And as always, if I can be helpful in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out! All of my information can be found here. 

On Resolutions

During this time of year, we often begin setting goals and dreaming big. We fill our journals with plans for the future and prepare ourselves for what’s next. We fill our heads with visions of sugar plums and make lists of endless possibilities. It all feels so magical and exciting, and it is! But sometimes in the middle of this beautiful process of expansion, we forget about gratitude.

The Winter Solstice, or the return to light, is the perfect time to pause and reflect and maybe even offer ourselves a bit of self-love. Sure it’s alluring to write resolutions like, “Next year I will get in shape!” But what if we sat under the sky and, with one hand over our hearts, whispered, “I am so grateful for my health, my resilient body, my ever-beating heart.”

Feel the difference?

I recently worked with a Mother who was going through a transition with her teenage son. She thought she was setting important goals and boundaries, but he expressed that by setting so many goals for his future, she was, inadvertently, sending him the message that who he is, currently, and all of the things he is accomplishing right now, was all somehow not good enough. Until he shared that with her, she truly never realized that’s how it was all coming across. I think the same can be said for how we speak to ourselves. When we repeatedly declare, “Next year I will be thinner/smarter/better!” We may also be sending the inverse message to ourselves that who we are, today, is just not good enough. And that’s simply not true. We are radiant, brave, resilient beings.

Try this:

1. Carve out 10-15 minutes of your time between now and December 21st to sit quietly and try this practice:
2. Take a few deep cleansing breaths, allow your muscles to release any tension, and repeat, “I love, accept, and respect myself.”
3. After you’ve done this for 5 or 6 deep breaths, think of the things you’d most like to change in the new year, and then see if you can offer yourself some grace and compassion in those areas. Find the gratitude from which to build your plans of evolution. If you get stuck finding self-kindness, just repeat the mantra, “I love, accept and respect myself.” When your 10-15 minutes is up, it is my hope you will feel lighter and more at ease.

Being motivated to become better versions of ourselves is an incredible feeling, and when we can do so from a place of reverence for the gift of what already is, I believe our chances of feeling fulfilled multiply tenfold. Even when we are exhausted, or angry or just totally ready to close one door and open another, granting ourselves permission to find the beauty in the imperfect NOW, is truly powerful.

No Time Like the Present

Anyone who practices yoga regularly is probably aware of the benefits yoga has on mental health. They each compliment one another on so many levels and the integration of yoga with mental health is becoming more popular by the minute.

Yoga and mindfulness especially, are all the rage these days. It seems everywhere I look, there’s a new study on how yoga can help with depression, anxiety and ease stress or relationship tension. How slowing down to become more ‘mindful’ can help us to make healthier choices and teach us new ways of coping to unpleasant, unpredictable life events.

The benefits are written about everywhere, yet people remain challenged in starting a regular yoga practice. I see this struggle in my patients as they come in session after session, reporting back to me with reasons why this week {yet, again} they could not make it to their mat.

I get it. Starting something new is difficult. Especially when it involves slowing down, getting centered and becoming grounded in your body. Emotions, fears and anxieties are bound to come up. However, yoga can be extremely healing and having a consistent yoga practice can be so supportive to emotional well-being.

SO… for all the curious newbies who are aspiring to start and keep a consistent home yoga practice, but are a little unsure of where to begin- I will outline a few simple steps to get you going.

Number one. Intention.

I suggest you become aware of why it is you want to start a yoga practice in the first place. Is it to help with your insomnia or anxiety? Do you want to lose weight? Perhaps you want to get to a calmer, more relaxed state of mind. Whatever it is, it’s okay. Intention is key to so many things in life, which is why I think it is essential to any yoga practice.

An example may be, “My intention to start a yoga practice is to slow down my racing thoughts so that when my children/partner/life become irritable/frustrating/demanding, I have the necessary tools to help me deal with the situation at hand.”

Number two. Time.

 I suggest practicing yoga in the morning. A morning yoga practice is my preference for many reasons, but mostly because this is when the mind is most clear. Plus, it’s the perfect time to get grounded and start your day with that intention you set! A morning practice can also help keep your energy lifted throughout the day. If that’s not a possibility for you, it’s perfectly okay. Practicing yoga around the lunch hour or in the evening can work well too, to refresh the mind, help release tension and counter afternoon fatigue.

Number three. Space.

A small, private room in your home or office is ideal for a daily yoga practice, although any quiet space that is large enough to roll out your yoga mat is perfectly doable. A balcony or grassy, quiet area in your yard can be a lovely place to practice if the weather permits. Just make sure your phone is off and you are not likely to be disturbed for a while.

I like to put on either a mellow or upbeat playlist and depending on my mood, will light a few scented candles. This is completely optional and really depends on you and what you’re feeling on that particular day. I always encourage my students to listen to their intuition and to trust it. Once your yoga practice becomes more consistent, your ability to tap into your intuition with more regularity will also strengthen.

That’s it! That’s all you need to start. Intention, time and space. These three things, in conjunction with the most critical piece {your breath} can provide you with the opportunity to develop a consistent, fulfilling yoga practice within your own home. Keep in mind too, that if you’re able to make it to a local yoga class, that’s a great way to build connection and be a part of your community.

Most importantly, go easy on yourself, have fun with it and enjoy the process. Learning something new can be challenging! Give yourself permission to fully experience whatever comes up.

Exhausted with Expectations

Expectations. We all have them.

Have you ever found yourself feeling sad or disappointed in a relationship and not known why? With a little reflection, you may realize you had an expectation about something or someone and didn’t even know it. And neither did they.

To help bring awareness to your expectations, take some time to explore what your expectations are and how you acquired them. Often times, we pick-up messages about what relationships are suppose to be like and how we should be treated by others from movies, TV, family, and friends. If we don’t take time to consider our expectations, then we may accidentally adopt other people’s expectations that simply don’t work for our relationships or for us.

Unmet expectations can be detrimental to a relationship. Expectations can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable to the organic flow of relating to another person. If we have expectations of others and are really attached to the outcome, then we can engage in power struggles by using manipulation or control tactics to get our way. This strategy often leads to conflict and unhealthy dynamics where partners do not feel free with one another, do not act authentically, and most importantly may not communicate honestly with each other.

Coming to the realization that your partner cannot live up to your expectations or ideals can be devastating. Couples can feel disappointed, frustrated, betrayed, or resentful and move to end the relationship because of unmet desires and unfulfilled expectations.

SO… What can you do?

1. Own it.

That’s right- Take ownership for your needs and desires! The truth of the matter is – we know what we need better than anyone else. Ultimately, it is our responsibility to get our own needs met. If we give our ownership to others (by expecting others to magically know what we need and give it to us) than we can feel dependent, powerless, and misunderstood. Taking ownership also inspires action. We realize we have the power to create change. Also, we have the opportunity to nurture ourselves in the ways that we need it most. This is a difficult practice, but it can be very empowering.

2. Express.

Yep. Communication is KEY. Express your needs, desires and expectations to your partner. No one can read your mind. Have you ever consciously expected something from someone, but didn’t voice it? Usually, this is a recipe for disappointment and resentment. How is someone suppose to know what you want if you don’t tell them? Even if they get it right once in a while, it sets up a dynamic where two people are operating on assumptions, which leads to miscommunication and frustration. Get in the habit of making your needs known and stop expecting those around you to read your mind or “Just know” how you feel and what you need.

3. Speak Up.

Sharing your needs and desires with your partner may seem scary and vulnerable because it requires you to open yourself up and acknowledge that you have needs – this can make you feel vulnerable to the other person. What if they don’t care enough to meet your needs? But, what if they do? Imagine being able to ask for what you need in a clear and clean way (to own it, without making it someone else’s responsibility) and then to receive it from someone who genuinely wants to give it to you. This can truly be a transformational experience and a doorway to deeper intimacy. By taking ownership of our needs, desires, and expectations, we can work with our partners. We can help teach them what works and doesn’t work for us, and then we have the opportunity to learn and grow together.

4. Empathize.

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Usually, people are doing the best they can. And your partner probably loves you in the best way he/she knows how. This is important to remember when you are holding your partner up to an expectation or an ideal of yours. It may be helpful to consider, the question “How would I respond to the situation if the roles were reversed?” This is often easier said than done, especially when one feels hurt and protective. Trusting someone and giving them the benefit of the doubt can be extremely difficult if you have experienced a lot of hurt and betrayal. It is important to keep track of your wants and needs. If you are taking responsibility for your needs, then you will be more likely to take care of yourself and not harbor resentments in your closest relationships.

5. Seek.

When opening up to your partner, if you feel a strong negative reaction, feel threatened, or really self-protective- than this may be a good indication that you have underlying hurts carried over from your younger years. These hurts will DIRECTLY impact your current relationships unless you deal with them. There are many opportunities to heal and grow, through self-help books, articles, groups, and psychotherapy. It’s never too late to learn new skills and to start practicing them. Your love-life may actually depend on it!

6. Allow.

Allowing space for people to meet you in the best way they know how can be a truly satisfying experience. When we lift our unspoken expectations off of our partner, share with them what we need in a genuine way and then step back and allow them to meet some of these needs we might be genuinely surprised and happy with how things go. Try and practice allowing things to happen in a new way and you may get new results you are very pleased with.