Managing Holiday Expectations + Practicing Gratitude

*from the archives, circa December 2018

While I try to make it a habit to practice gratitude throughout the year, I find myself reflecting more on just how fortunate I am in my life and in my practice this time of year. Every day, I am fortunate enough to work with strong, brave, intelligent people as they work through the challenges that life presents. And while I would like to thank you - my wonderful community - for all of the support you’ve shared with me this year, I also want to acknowledge that the holidays can be a very difficult time for many people. Between end-of-year work deadlines, tight budgets, travel, and visits with family... the holidays can be physically and emotionally taxing on everyone.

This month, I’d like to offer a few ways you can be more mindful with your time this holiday season both at work and home.

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

It seems like everyone needs something during the holiday season. Whether it’s a demanding boss at work or a mother-in-law who insists on doing everything “her way,” it is easy to become overwhelmed by the number of things that are thrown at you.

This holiday season, though, the key to managing expectations is to be proactive and anticipate demands, deadlines, and requirements from colleagues, family, and friends alike.

At Work

If you’re feeling the stresses and pressures of year-end deadlines at work, you’re not alone. Since many companies (or clients) end their business year on December 31, there’s a scramble to get as much done in as little time as possible. That often means that you and your colleagues are left with all of the responsibility and little time for anything else.

If you’re starting to feel the mounting pressure, here are a few things that may help you to be proactive and manage work expectations.

• Ask for (in writing, if possible) all outstanding deliverables and their expected deadlines;

• Remind your supervisor/boss of any time off requests you’ve already submitted. If you are comfortable with them, ask them how the aforementioned deadlines can work around your schedule;

• If you plan on taking time off around the holidays, remind colleagues when your last day in the office will be. Gently remind them that if they need anything from you, they need to submit any requests by a specific date, which will give you enough time to complete the tasks. After all, no one wants to be working on their “time off!”

At Home

Managing expectations with family and friends are just as important to your holiday stress levels as they are with work.

If you find yourself hosting family or friends for the holidays this year, feel free to start thinking about menus/meals ahead of time. You’ll often find that with a little bit of forethought, you can whip of meals ahead of time and freeze them until the day you want to serve them. Doing so accomplishes two things: For one, it is less to worry about once family starts showing up on your doorstep; and secondly, it provides you more precious time to spend with loved ones while they’re in your home.

TAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF

With so much activity around the holidays, it’s easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle. But going 1000 miles an hour for days in a row is exhausting. That’s why it is so important to take a few moments each day to focus some time and thought on yourself.

Meditation

One effective way to take a “time out” during this busy time is to spend 5-10 minutes meditating. This could be early in the morning while the rest of the house is sleeping or at night when everyone is going to bed. Regardless, a few moments of solitude can do wonders for recharging your batteries before the start of another day or at the end of a long one.

Keeping Routines

If there are any routines you hold special in your daily life, hold onto them! Perhaps you find that a brisk morning jog or an afternoon yoga class is a great stress reliever. Don’t skip! If you’re afraid of being away from family or friends too long, invite them to join you. There’s a chance that they’re sacrificing their routines and an invitation to join you may be just what they need, too.

When you keep your routines intact, you’ll find that you’re not losing control of some of the activities you love or need, and holding onto those routines also manages expectations, too.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

Whenever you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or just plain tired this holiday season, I encourage you to take a step back and find something to be grateful for.

Practicing gratitude doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out process. In fact, some studies have linked the feeling of gratitude to an overall improved sense of well-being. (1)

If you can find the time and get into the habit, writing down what you’re grateful for is a nice way to reflect on some of the positive aspects of your life. It can be as simple as “It was a beautiful day today” or “Everyone complimented the dish I made.”

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

As this year draws to a close, I hope that some of these tips are helpful for you through the holiday season and into 2023.*

Wishing everyone a happy & healthy holiday!

[Sources]

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010965/

Waking Up

This article was originally published on July 31, 2018, on TherapyRoute.com.

This winter was very difficult for a lot of us. The cultural climate of constant conflict and discord has left many of us feeling emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, drained. It is so important that we take the time to invite this new Spring season into our lives, and welcome a much needed, and refreshing, change.

Over these past few months, I have observed many of my clients going through a big shift, and they can feel themselves coming out of a life-hibernation. Many are sharing that they feel as though they are suddenly acutely aware of their potential, power, and worth. Wonderful right? Except for many people, this time of inner revolution can feel a bit overwhelming and scary. Often, as we begin to move into our highest selves, there are multiple layers of complex narratives that bubble to the surface.

It’s a process, a tapestry of tales and experiences, stitched together to form a renewed sense of Self. There are things we can do along each step of the way to empower our fierce truths, enliven our bravery and decrease any discomfort that may come up. You will absolutely come out of the process feeling stronger and better than ever before, you just may need support along the way.

Here are some tips and tools for when you feel yourself, bravely, waking-up:

1. Often times, when we recognize things that we hadn’t before, we initially wish we could go back to a time when we didn’t know. I think a lot of this is rooted in fear of the unknown. We mistakenly believe that this new awareness will diminish our sense of safety, security and predictability, so, rather than cradle our newfound truth, we try to throw it away and ignore it. If you find yourself in this place, I invite you to write it down. Write down the new calling/dream/truth/goal in a journal or a place that feels safe to you.

Even if you don’t want to do anything about it, just give it a space to live outside of your body/mind/spirit. “Ok, truth. I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge you. I might not do anything about it right now, and I might wish you were never here, but I thank you for stopping by”. As you allow yourself to write about it you will begin to notice an evolution of your feelings.

Set aside 5-10 minutes of your day to ask yourself important questions like, “What if I allow this truth to be true? What if I don’t have to do anything about it just yet, but I can just try it on for size? What would it look like if I leaned into this newness? What am I, actually, afraid of?” To use a favorite analogy from Sue Monk Kidd, once we are stung by a symbolic bee, we cannot be unstung. Write it out and you’ll find your way.

2. As you begin to stand in your new sense of power, you may feel an unexpected guest arrive: Anger (with a capital A). I’ve seen this so much lately, especially after the election. While we are very often told that anger is a foe, I believe it is actually a friend, trying to tell us very important information. As we wake-up we may start to feel less tolerant of people mistreating us; we may begin to question the motives of those we’d previously accepted without question; we may start to feel a deep, primal rage simmering while we re-examine our society and our history.

This is when I highly recommend seeking the help and guidance of others. Perhaps you schedule an extra appointment with a therapist, or maybe you have a trusted mentor in your life to turn to. Either way, it is so important that you talk through the anger and explore its messages, before quickly reacting and potentially doing things you might regret. Anger is trying to deliver messages to us, but if we make rash decisions in its grasp, we very possibly miss the incredible gifts it has buried within. It’s not about making the anger go away, it’s about embracing it and then excavating for important artifacts. Using it as a tool rather than a weapon. We must take the time to work with our rage, knowing you owned it, not the other way around.

3. Right after the election, I found myself with numerous clients struggling with suddenly severed relationships. Many experienced breaks in family ties and shared about dissolved friendships. The first thing I want to ensure everyone is that they are not alone. While we may feel temporarily isolated or displaced, and begin to blame ourselves entirely, it is so critical that we grant ourselves some serious self-compassion. As we leave the shores of the familiar and chart a course for new, unknown, lands, we can sometimes lose our bearings for a bit.

We feel proud of our new strength and knowledge, but, at the same exact time, we might be met with unexpected longings for our previous routines, patterns, and relationships, even if they were toxic. When we are in these in-between spaces, it is important to start seeking out supportive friends and relationships that nurture your transformation. It is also critical to practice massive amounts of self-care. Some examples that always help: Going for long walks, finding a good book at the library, taking a bubble bath each night, getting a massage, practicing yoga a few times a week, sitting alone in nature, repeating positive affirmations, getting plenty of sleep, eating lots of grounding vegetables and fresh fruits, drinking plenty of water, and taking time to journal. You are not alone, and you will feel whole once again.

As you enter Spring this year, remember that it may not always be easy, just like the butterfly struggling to emerge from her cocoon or a new flower pushing mightily through the thick winter mud, but it is, without question, always worth it.

As you hear the songbirds begin to sing outside again, remember to use these tools to keep yourself centered and courageous. There is big work to be done in this world, and we need you to be your best self, now, more than ever before.

Expressing Gratitude

With Halloween behind us, it is natural for us to start looking ahead and begin to think about the upcoming holiday season. Thanksgiving will be here in no time, and with it the stress and frenzy that often accompanies it. Whether you’re traveling to see family or friends or you are hosting people at your home, Thanksgiving can be incredibly stressful. However, as much as possible, this season especially is a time to practice being thankful and showing gratitude.

As Thanksgiving approaches, try to be present with your partner, and even when the pressures of the season are at their peak, do your best to show your partner gratitude. By following some of the examples below, you will be amazed at the difference expressing and showing gratitude to your partner not only does to improve their mood and outlook, but yours, too.

Count the Little Things

Gratitude shouldn’t be reserved for the “Grand Gestures” in our life. If that was the case, our expressions of gratitude would probably be few and far between. Instead, find the little reasons to show gratitude on a daily basis to your partner.

There are times when partners surprise you: they clear the dishes without being prompted; they surprise you with flowers; or they draw a warm bath for you after a particularly grueling day. These are obvious events where expressing your gratitude goes a long way. These gestures show that they care and that they are in-tune with many of the things that make the modern relationship “work.”

But don’t forget about the other events where gratitude is appreciated and goes a long way. Every now and again, your partner may need a gentle prod or reminder to sweep the floors or put their laundry away. Even if you politely prompt them to do something, once they do it, thank them. Sure, they needed reminding, but when you go out of your way to acknowledge them, chances are they’ll be more inclined in the future to do things without being prompted.

Work Together to Prioritize

One of the key factors of stress between couples during Thanksgiving and the holiday season comes from a lack of communicating priorities. In other words, one partner may view a clean house and neatly trimmed yard as the top priority, whereas the other may feel like having a stocked refrigerator and clean sheets on the beds are the top priority. While each of these are important in their own right, if partners aren’t communicating well with each other about what they view to be a priority, there is a lot of room for assumptions and unmet expectations.

One way to avoid this is by sitting down with your partner and making a list together of all of the “To Dos” you think you need to get done. Once you have the list, you can sit down with each other and discuss the merits and priorities of each. That way, you can both be on the same page about what should be done, by when, and by whom.

While this may not necessarily be an outward form of expressing gratitude to your partner, there is intrinsic value in letting your partner know that you care about their well-being, especially during the holidays, and when you’re on the same page, you’re telling them that you care. In turn, they’ll be grateful to be able to talk through competing priorities with you. And, a little quality time together making a list can be a lot of fun, too!

Communicate Your Way

Every couple has their own spoken and unspoken language. For some, an unexpected hug after an argument says “I’m sorry” in ways that the words never could. On the flip side, other couples may need to hear those words as they work towards forgiveness.

Gratitude happens in much the same way. The go-to method of showing gratitude for one couple may seem incomprehensible to another couple. Also, understand how your partner prefers to be shown gratitude. If your partner is shy, for example, he may not be particularly pleased if you single him out to thank him during the Thanksgiving dinner toast! Instead, he may be thrilled with a sticky note on the bathroom mirror before bed at night.

Finding “your” language to express gratitude is a special exercise and may require some introspective thinking. There is beauty in this, though, because it helps you think and consider the various ways in which gratitude can be shown, and by its own right, that is something to be grateful for.

Wherever you find yourself this Thanksgiving, remember to be thankful. Thank everyone from your family to your colleagues to the tellers in the grocery store. In a busy world, a “Thank You” still goes a very long way.

Wishing you and yours a very happy Thanksgiving!