divorce and children — Shelby Castile Blog

Parenting—a journey filled with boundless love, immeasurable joy, and, yes, its fair share of challenges. In the whirlwind of caring for our little ones, it's all too easy to lose sight of our own needs and succumb to the weight of self-criticism and guilt. Yet, amidst the chaos and demands of parenthood, lies a powerful tool for emotional resilience and well-being: self-compassion. In this blog, we'll explore the importance of self-compassion for parents, and how embracing this practice can transform the way we navigate the highs and lows of raising children.

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

Before diving into the depths of self-compassion, it's crucial to dispel the myth of perfect parenting. In today's hyperconnected world, we're bombarded with images of flawless families and seemingly effortless parenting. Yet, the reality is far messier and more complex. Every parent—no matter how put-together they may appear—faces moments of doubt, frustration, and overwhelm. It's okay to stumble and make mistakes along the way; perfection is an illusion that only fuels self-judgment and shame.

The Gift of Self-Compassion

So, what exactly is self-compassion, and how does it relate to parenting? At its core, self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in moments of struggle or failure. It's about extending the same compassion to ourselves that we would offer to a dear friend in need. As parents, self-compassion provides a lifeline—a gentle reminder that we're doing the best we can with the resources and knowledge available to us. It's a permission slip to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace our imperfections with love and grace.

The Parenting Journey: A Rollercoaster of Emotions

From sleepless nights to toddler tantrums, the parenting journey is rife with challenges that can test even the most resilient souls. In these moments of stress and exhaustion, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and doubt. We berate ourselves for losing our patience, not having all the answers, and feeling overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility. But what if, instead of chastising ourselves for our perceived shortcomings, we offered ourselves a dose of self-compassion?

Cultivating Self-Compassion in Parenting

Practice Mindful Awareness: The first step in cultivating self-compassion is to become aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgment. Mindfulness allows us to observe our experiences with curiosity and kindness, rather than getting swept away by self-critical thoughts.
Offer Yourself Kindness: When faced with parenting struggles, pause and offer yourself words of kindness and encouragement. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel overwhelmed, that you're not alone in your challenges, and that you're doing the best you can in this moment.
Embrace Imperfection: Parenting is messy and unpredictable, and that's perfectly okay. Embrace the imperfections of parenthood—the missed bedtime routines, the burnt dinners, the occasional meltdowns—and recognize that these moments do not define your worth as a parent.
Seek Support and Connection: Remember that you're not in this alone. Reach out to fellow parents, friends, or support groups who can offer empathy, understanding, and a listening ear. Sharing your struggles and experiences can help alleviate feelings of isolation and foster a sense of connection and belonging.

The Ripple Effect of Self-Compassion

As we cultivate self-compassion in our parenting journey, we not only nurture our well-being but also create a ripple effect that extends to our children. By modeling self-compassion, we teach our children the invaluable lesson of self-love and acceptance. We show them that it's okay to make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to treat themselves with kindness and compassion. In doing so, we lay the foundation for resilient, empathetic, and emotionally healthy individuals who can navigate life's ups and downs with grace and resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing Self-Compassion on the Parenting Path

Parenting is a messy, beautiful, and endlessly rewarding journey—one that is paved with both triumphs and tribulations. During the chaos and uncertainty, self-compassion offers a guiding light—a beacon of love and acceptance that illuminates our path. So, let us embrace self-compassion as a cherished companion on our parenting journey, knowing that in our imperfection lies our humanity, and in our self-compassion lies the key to unlocking boundless love and joy for ourselves and our children.

“Parenting: the ultimate act of love, sacrifice, and growth.”

— Shelby Castile, LMFT

For many couples, few days are as special as their wedding day. Surrounded by family and friends, the newly married couple often feels as if they have the whole world ahead of them. For some, however, that joy is short-lived or fleeting. In fact, current research posits that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce (and 2nd and 3rd marriages have a higher rate than that).1 And while divorce is never easy on those who are separating, when children are involved it can be even more difficult.

Going through a separation can be emotionally taxing any time of the year, but the holidays can be especially trying on everyone involved. Sometimes, there is an urge to keep up appearances, whether it be holiday cards, social media posts, or any number of other things.

If you find yourself in a position where you and your spouse contemplating divorce and children are involved, below are some tips I give my clients who are going through this challenging time.

Little Ears are Listening

Some marriages end amicably, but that isn’t the case for everyone. When confronted with the tough reality that a relationship isn’t going to last, it is easy for soon-to-be exes to argue frequently.

While conflict is bound to happen in any relationship — especially those that are falling apart — it is important that you and your partner be mindful of where and when these arguments or disagreements take place.

Arguing in front of your kids should be avoided at all costs. When parents argue, it’s natural for kids to think they’re somehow to blame for the discord in the household. Even if you have young children who you don’t think “understand” what’s going on, it is still important to be mindful of your tone when having disagreements.

If you and your partner are trying to do what’s best for your children, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in co-parenting after divorce. Marriage therapists are great for troubled marriages, but if you and your spouse have settled on a divorce, a co-parenting therapist is a more appropriate venue to air grievances regarding visitation, parenting philosophies, and so on. These environments are not only conducive to helping you and your ex co-parent better, but it also provides your child the freedom from not over-hearing mommy and daddy arguing.

Educate Yourself as Co-Parents

This idea of co-parenting while being in different households is hard to grasp for many families. However, if you and your ex are committed to making the transition as easy as possible for your children, consider taking a parent education course in order to help your little ones best cope with the transition.

Studies show that children who grow up in a “happy home” are more likely to have fewer mental, physical, and educational issues than those who grow up in homes with unhealthy marital relationships.(1)

Parent education classes provide an unbiased perspective and offer support, while keeping the children’s best interest in mind. Additionally, these sorts of programs have been shown to improve the way children cope with their parents’ divorce not only immediately after the divorce, but for subsequent years, too.(2)

In essence, when parents present a united front, the kids pick up on that. When Mom and Dad are working together, being consistent in rules, parenting, and so on, it is easier for kids to focus on just being kids rather than being brought into Mom and Dad’s relationship problems.

It Still Takes a Village

Even after you and your spouse separate, if you’re both dedicated to raising your children to be as happy and healthy as they can be, it is possible for your communication to improve over time. While you may not be in-love anymore, the shared love for your children can serve as a guiding light to put your differences aside in the best interest of the kids.

Sources

https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/
Velez, C.E., Wolchick, S.A., Tein, J.Y., and Sandler, I. (2011). “Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: A longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes.” Child Development, 82 (1):244-257.

Nurturing Self-Compassion for Parents: Embracing Imperfection with Love